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  Humor stories > Funny stories : Dear Loved Ones

Dear Loved Ones

Funny stories Rating : 4.62, 8 votes. Reviews : 0 [add review]
I have decided to embark on a new career.
I'm going to be a guest eater on the food network. It came to me while I was watching the Iron Chef battling on the food network. I saw all these good looking Japanese people dressed up and smiling at the great looking food. I was so excited. I immediately recognized the co-stars of Mothra and Godzilla III. And I knew this was for me.
The mystery secret theme ingredient for the dueling Iron Chefs was cuttlefish. I had no idea the cuttlefish had three stomachs, which can be fried, boiled, baked, caramelized and/or "sautéed".
What really convinced me I was doing the right thing was Emeril “kick it up a notch” Lagasse. He looked so serious, wearing his too tight football jersey in honor tailgaters everywhere and their bratwurst cream surprise.
When he threw some salt into a pan of brats. The entire audience yelled, "BAM!" almost in unison. One older woman said “BAM!” a split second after the rest and Emeril laughed at her. The camera zoomed in on her She looked so embarrassed and perplexed.
The poor old lady is probably someone’s Mother, Grandmother and/or housekeeper. And now all she will be remembered for by her family is yelling “BAM” late on national television. How sad for her. But being a guest eater on the Food Network is risky business.
And I know this will please my daughter. I have Martha Steward penciled in for a “guest eat” when she does her tribute to pumpkin squash for Halloween.
I went to K-Mart to get some of her designer towels. I want her to autograph them for my daughter, unless she charges for autographs. Then I might have to get tough with her and tell her, " Hey, you aren’t Barbara Walters. You are an ex con.
And K-Mart doesn’t carry designer anything Martha”!
I was going to try to do a guest eat with Wolfgang Puck, the chef for Hollywood stars. I wanted to get Arnold Swarzenegger’s and Sylvester Stalone's autographs for my son.
But I'm afraid to eat Wolfgang’s food, look what happened to those two action heroes. They both look like mutants with bumps and lumps all over their bodies. It’s a shame they still let him be on the Food Network.
I mean who decides what chefs will be on the Food Network. Why isn't Julia Child on anymore? Or the two fat ladies from England, who ride a motorcycle and use their hands to mix and stir everything.
Why aren't the "stand over the kitchen sink" eaters ever acknowledged? Surely, there is as much art, skill and form involved in balancing an entire platter of brisket with one hand and spearing pieces of the stringy meat with your other. Surely there is as much skill involved as in eating a candied cuttlefish with chopsticks.
I mean, how do guest eaters get started and remain at the top of their chosen profession. Anyone can make a salad nicois. Guest eaters aren’t just born! They are made like a bratwurst cream surprise.

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