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  Humor stories > Funny stories : Put Down The Late and Hang Up On 911

Put Down The Late and Hang Up On 911

Funny stories Rating : 7.13, 8 votes. Reviews : 1 [add review]
Have you ever watched someone just completely lose their friggin' mind over the something? Anything?

It could be as simple as someone not waving "Thanks," after you let them into a line of traffic.

Or losing it cause someone forgot to put the milk back in the fridge.

So the question stands.

"Have you ever just sat back and watched someone just completely lose it?"

You wonder, "What kind of a person just spontaneously flips out like that?"

Well I'm gonna tell ya!

I'd been having the worst day.

This morning, nothing I was doing was going right.

I was standing alone in the kitchen making my speciality, a deliciously heart stopping, cheese omelette .

Then suddenly I burned my pinky finger on the frying pan.

It hurt somthin' fierce!

But it's okay, I may not be a doctor, but I know that if I run cool rinse water over it it'll feel a might better.

So I spun around, flipped the lever on the shiny kitchen faucet and stuck my finger under the cool, flowing water and instantly the burn pain went away!

That's because When I stuck my stinging, FLINTSTONE THROBBING, finger under the water, I poked a potatoe peeler into the back of my hand.

Not enough to break the skin mind you, just enough to make my inner child whimper a couple of the "NO NO" words.

Realising breakfast was burning, I twirled around...

Wait!... I mean...

I took a very manly step back towards the impending fire hazard to save my family from the potential doom of snap cracklin' eggs.

Then I proceeded unintentionally, to stick my sock covered, left foot, in the ever present, water filled, stainless-steel dog food dish.

Proving Sir Isaac Newton's theory of gravity right, I immediately did the splits; pulling all the groin muscles I've never pulled before and as my house coat flipped up over my head and covered my eyes, I sat bare caboose, right in the unchanged cat box.

It wasn't until, my visiting mother-in-law's, king-size cigarette cradling puss appeared before me, as she lifted my checkered coat tails from my eyes, that I remembered that I had the fortunate foresight to by scented cat litter.

As the horror of what just happened sank in, I was helped sheepishly, groaning, back to my feet by my now nearly hysterical, tear eyed, Mother-In-Law.

There I stood for a moment, stunned and entwined in a circling cloud burnt toast and egg-fuelled smoke, with my butt cheeks firmly spackled together with quality scented cat littler.

I flattened my robe with my hands then meticulously tied the front shut.

By his point my Mother-In-Law was truly, bent over gasping for breath and gagging from laughing too hard.

So of course my wife, son, and Father-in-Law all come running.

With everyone watching in giddy astonishment, I calmly I turned the stove off, swung open the kitchen window and tried to leave the room with any shred of dignity I could muster.

Do you have any idea how hard it is to look calm, collected and cool when you have clumps of contaminated cat mud falling out of your derriere?

Well let me tell you this.

Later today as your sitting, stuck in traffic in your hybrid car, clutching your latte and and dialling 911 as you watch some random road rager beat a poor, defenceless bike currier, within an inch of his life for cutting him off; remember my story.

Then for my sake, your sake and for all the other guy's out there with a laughing Mother-in-Laws and a cat litter packed butt cracks;

Please put down your latte, hang up on 911, give us a wave...

because chances are, today... it'll be me your waving at.

Now if you'll excuse me I have some grout work to attend too.

(No actual Mother-in-Law's, butt cracks s or cat box's were involved in the writing of this joke)

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