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  Jokes > Adult jokes : jokes

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Adult jokes Rating : 6.12, 167 votes. Reviews : 24 [add review]

Did you hear about the new disease gay musicians are coming down with?
Band aids

What do you call a gay dentist?
A tooth fairy.

What do you call a couple of gay lawyers?
Legal aids

Did you hear about the new gay bar?
It's called boys-r-us

What's the definition of Scotland?
A place where men are men and sheep are nervous

What do gays refer to hemorrhoids as?
Speed bumps

Where do Australians get virgin wool?
From the ugly sheep

Did you hear about the 2 irish gays?
Hugh Fitzpatrick and Patrick Fitzhugh

What 3 things do gays like to do the most?
Eat, Drink, and be Mary

Why did the gay suspect his lover had been cheating on him?
He came home shit-faced

Why was the queer fired from the sperm bank?
He was caught drinking on the job

What's the hardest thing gays find about dealing with aids?
Leaving their friends behind

In Greece, how do they separate the men from the boys?
With a crowbar

Why are scientists having trouble finding a cure for aids?
They can't get the mice to butt-fuck

What happens to a man who spends the night at a gay bar?
He wakes up with a queer taste in his mouth

What do you call a jewish homosexual?
A Heblew

Which is better, being born black or gay?
Black, because you don't have to tell your parents

Why was the gay sergeant fired?
For the way he drilled his troops

Why did the gay jerk off into a paper bag and hand it to his lover?
He was packing him a lunch

How do you get rid of the crabs?
Find a gay that likes seafood

What did one gay dentist say to the other?
You have the whitest teeth i've ever come across

What does a gay man call his testicles?
Mud flaps

What's the most popular pick up line in a gay bar ?
"May I push in your stool ?"


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Q. How can you tell when an auto mechanic just had sex?
A. One of his fingers is clean.

Q. Why does a penis have a hole in the end?
A. So men can be open minded.

Q. What's the biggest fish in the world?
A. A hore, if you catch one you can eat her for months.

Q. How can you tell if your girlfriend wants you.
A. When you put your hand down her pants and it feels like you're feeding a horse.

Q. Have you heard about the new 'Mint flavored birth control pill for women that they take immediately before sex?
A. They're called 'Predickamints'

Q. What is the difference between a golf ball and a g-spot?
A. Men will spend two hours searching for a golf ball.

Q. What's the difference between a toad and a horny toad?
A. One goes "ribbit" the other goes "rub it".'

Q. Did you hear about the guy who finally figured out women?
A. He died laughing before he could tell anybody.

Q. What's the difference between Mad Cow disease and PMS?
A. Nothing.

Q. How do you confuse a female archaeologist?
A. Give her a used tampon and ask her what period it's from.

Q. Why does the bride always wear white?
A. Well aren't all kitchen appliances that colour?

Q. Whats the difference between parsley and pussy?
A. Nobody eats parsley.

Q. What's green, slimy and smells like Miss Piggy?
A. Kermits Finger

Q: What do you do with 365 used rubbers?
A: Melt them down, make a tire, and call it a Goodyear.

Q: What's the difference between sin and shame?
A: It is a sin to put it in, but it's a shame to pull it out.

Q: What's the speed limit of sex?
A: 68 because at 69 you have to turn around.

Q: What's the ultimate rejection?
A: When you're masturbating and your hand falls asleep.

Q: Why did Raggedy Anne get thrown out of the toy box?
A: Because she kept sitting on Pinocchio's face moaning, "Lie to me!"

Q: Why is air a lot like sex?
A: Because it's no big deal unless you're not getting any.

Q: What did the egg say to the boiling water?
A: "How can you expect me to get hard so fast? I just got laid a minute ago."

Q: What did the potato chip say to the battery?
A: If you're Eveready, I'm Frito Lay.

Q:What's the best thing about a blow job?
A:Ten minutes of silence!

Q: What's the difference between a lesbian and a Ritz cracker?
A: Ones a snack cracker, and the others a crack snacker!

Q. How are a lawyer and a prostitute different?
A. The prostitute stops fucking you after you're dead.

Q. What has one hundred balls and screws old ladies?
A. Bingo

Q. What is a zebra?
A. 26 sizes larger than an "A" bra.

Q. What did the blind man say as he passed the fish market?
A. Good morning Girls

Q. What's the difference between a woman and a fridge?
A. A fridge doesn't fart when you pull your meat out!

Q. How does a man show that he is planning for the future?
A. He buys 2 cases of beer instead of one.

Q. How is being at a singles bar different than being at the circus?
A. At the circus, the clowns don't talk.

Q. Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?
A. Breasts don't have eyes.

Q. How many newspapers can a woman hold between her legs?
A. One Post, two Globes, and many Times.

Q. What's the difference between a whore and a bitch?
A. Whore's fuck everyone at the party, Bitches fuck everyone at the party except you.

Q. Did ya hear about the new "morning after" pill for men?
A. It works by changing your blood type!!

Q:What do you call a truck full of dildos?
A:Toys for Twats

Q. How do you get four old ladies to shout "Fuck"?
A. Get a fifth old lady to shout "Bingo!"

Q. What do a Rubix cube and a penis have in common?
A. The longer you play with them, the harder they get.

Q. What does an old woman have between her breasts that a young woman doesn't?
A. A navel.

Q. What is the difference between a woman and a washing machine?
A. You can bung your load in a washing machine and it won't call you a week later.

Q. Why did god create Adam before he created eve?
A. Because he didn't want anyone telling him how to make Adam.

Q. What is a lesbian's favorite thing to eat?
A. A Klondike Bar

Q. What did the elephant say to the naked man?
A. "How do you breath through something so small?"

Q. Why don't women wear watches?
A. There's a clock on the stove!

Q. What doesn't belong in this list : Meat, Eggs, Wife, Blowjob? A. Blowjob: You can beat your meat, eggs or wife, but you can't beat a blowjob.

Q. Have you heard about the new super-sensitive condoms?
A. They hang around after the man leaves and talks to the woman.

Q. What's worse than getting raped by Jack the Ripper?
A. Getting fingered by Captain Hook.

Q. What do a walrus and Tupperware have in common?
A. They both like a tight seal.

Q. What's the difference between a wife and a wheelie bin?
A. You only have to take out a wheelie bin once a week.

Q. What did the two lesbian frogs say to each other?
A. WE DO TASTE LIKE CHICKEN!

Q. What did the banana say to the vibrator?
A. Why are you shaking she's going to eat me.

Q. What would happen if the Pilgrims had killed cats instead of turkeys?
A. We'd eat pussy every Thanksgiving.

Q. What's the difference between love and herpes?
A. Love doesn't last forever.

Q. How do you make your girlfriend scream while having sex?
A. Call her and tell her.

Q. A man noticed that his credit card had been stolen but didn't report it.
A. The thief was spending less then his wife.

Q. Why do women have small feet? A. So they can stand closer to the kitchen sink.

Q. Why do men die before their wives?
A. They want to.

Q. How do men sort out their laundry?
A. Filthy, and filthy but wearable.

Q. What's the difference between a man and ET?
A. ET phoned home.

Q. Why haven't they sent a woman to the moon yet?
A. It doesn't need cleaning.

Q. Why is a pap smear called a pap smear?
A. Because women wouldn't do them if they were called cunt scrapes.

Q: What's another name for pickled bread?
A: Dill-dough

Q: Why did Frosty the Snowman pull down his pants?
A: He heard the snowblower coming.

Q: What do you call a lesbian dinosaur?
A: Lickalotopuss.

Q. What do the spice girls and a pack of M+Ms have in common?
A. There are assorted colors, but they all taste the same.

Q. What do you call an Amish guy with his hand up a horses ass?
A. A Mechanic.

Q. What do you call an Alabama farmer with a sheep under each arm?
A. Pimp.

Q. What do Eskimos get from sitting on the ice too long?
A. Polaroids.

Q. Why are women are like tires?
A. There's always a spare.

Q. What's brown and sits on a piano bench? A. Beethoven's First Movement.

Q. What do you call a nun with a sex change operation?
A. A tran-sister.

Q. What did one gay sperm say to the other gay sperm?
A. I can't see a thing with all this shit in here!

----------------------------------------------------------------------

A husband and wife are cooing over their new born baby.
"Look at the size of his todger," says the man. "It's massive!"
"Yes dear," says the woman. "But at least he's got your ears".

Two welshmen are out rounding up sheep when all of a sudden a ewe takes off and goes wild, runs into a fence and gets her head stuck. The two shepherds run over to the fence to get her out when one says to the other "Hey, boyo, this is too good an oppertunity to pass up." So he unzips his fly, yanks out his wang and fucks this ewe for about ten minutes. When he's finally finished he looks round to his mate and says, "That was bloody marvellouse. D'you fancy a go?"
"Bloody right i do!" grins his mate, as he drops his trousers and sticks his head through the fence.

Why do hippo's make love in the water ?
Have you ever tried to keep a fanny that big moist ?

Why is a cucumber and a beer better tham a men ?
Because the beer comes in a can, not in your mouth, and a cucmber stays hard for weeks.

How many men does it take to open a can of beer ?
None, it should be open by the time she brings it to the couch.

Why is a man like a rubik cube?
The longer you play with it, the harder it gets.

How do you make six pounds of fat look attractive ?
Put a nipple on it.

What's black and white and hot ?
A nun with pierced nipples and tatooed thighs.

What's the difference between a dick and a poo ?
Have you ever tried sucking a poo ?"

A couple gets married. Forty years later, they're in the same hotel room they spent their honeymoon in. She takes off her clothes, lies down on the bed, spreads her legs ... and he starts to cry.
She says, "What's the matter?"
He says, "Forty years ago, I couldn't wait to eat it, and now it looks like it can't wait to eat ME!"

A man arrives home one evening and found his wife in bed with another man. The husband grabbed the offending man by his pecker and dragged him to the garage. After putting his private parts into a vice and removing the key so it couldn't be loosened he walked over to the bench and took a saw off the hanger.
The naked offender said, "My god you are not going to cut it off?"
The husband replied, "Oh no sir, this is for you. I am going to set fire to the garage and leave. What you do next is your decision.

A woman walked into the ladies and saw a man standing up using the toilet.
Shocked, she exclaimed, "This is just for women !"
"So's this," he replied

A couple of farmers were walking back across the fields after a boozy lunch at the local when they spotted a lamb caught fast in the fence.
Ahrr, Jem, I could wish that was Ursula Andress stuck in that fence like that," chortled one.
Jem replied "Well, i'm just after wishing it was dark".

Two men are approaching each other on a pavement in Ameriaca. Both are dragging their right foot as they walk. As they meet, one man looks at the other knowingly, points at his foot and says, "Vietnam, 1969." The other hooks his thumb behind him and says, "Dog shit, 20 feet back."

Five men were setting around the table at a resturant bragging who had the largest dick. Finally one guy said I'll settle this let's all put our dicks on the table that will decide it. At about that time two Fags walk in and were seated. The waiter ask would you gentleman like to see a menu? The Fags respond OH!!! NO,NO, we'll just have the buffet.

What's the best thing about a blow job from an Ethiopian ?
You know she will swallow

A young girl swallowed a pin when she was eleven and never felt a prick until she turned eighteen.


----------------------------------------------------------------------

Confucius Says

1. Woman who goes to man's apartment for snack, gets tit bit

2.Man who lay woman on ground, get peace on earth.

3. Man who gets kicked in testicles, left holding the bag.

4. Man who kisses girl's behind, gets crack in face.

5. Passionate kiss like spider web-lead to undoing of fly.

6. Man with holes in pocket, feels cocky all day.

7.Man who fight with wife all day, get no piece at night.

8. Virginity like balloon-one prick, all gone.

9. Girls who rides bicycle, peddles ass all over town.

10. He who farts in church, sits in own pew.

11.Baseball all wrong-man with four balls can't walk.

12. Man who live in glass house,dress in basement.

13. Kotex not best thing on earth, but next to best thing.

14. Man with penis in peanut butter is fucking nuts.

15. Man who walk through airport door sideways is going to Bangkok.

16. Man who drop watch in toilet, bound to have shitty time.

17. Man who take lady on camping trip, have one intent.

18. Man who go to bed with sex on mind wake up with solution in hand


----------------------------------------------------------------------

Medical Terms

Benign = What you be after you be eight
Bacteria = Back door to cafeteria
Barium = What doctors do when patients die
Cesarean Section = A neighborhood in Rome
Catscan = Searching for Kitty
Cauterize = Made eye contact with her
Colic = A sheep dog
Coma = A punctuation mark
D&C = Where Washington is
Dilate = To live long
Enema = Not a friend
Fester = Quicker than someone else
Fibula = A small lie
GISeries = World Series of military baseball
Hangnail = What you hang your coat on
Impotent = Distinguished, well known
Labor Pain = Getting hurt at work
Medical Staff = A Doctor's cane
Morbid = A higher offer than I bid
Nitrates = Cheaper than day rates
Node = I knew it
Outpatient = A person who has fainted
Pap Smear = A fatherhood test
Pelvis = Second cousin to Elvis
Post Operative = A letter carrier
Recovery Room = Place to do upholstery
Rectum = Damn near killed him
Secretion = Hiding something
Seizure = Roman emperor
Tablet = A small table
Terminal Illness = Getting sick at the airport
Tumor = More than one
Urine = Opposite of mine
Varicose = Near by/close by


----------------------------------------------------------------------

Drunk walks into elevator, no elevator there, falls five stories down, lands on the bottom. Lies there a few seconds, slowly opens his eyes, and then says, ``Dammit, I said UP.''

An obnoxious drunk in a bar trying to get a girl to go home with him says, "Hey, baby, how do you like your eggs in the morning?" Girl says, "Unfertilized. Beat it!"

Two hamburgers walk into a bar. They go up to the bartender and say, "We'd like two pizzas with mushrooms." The bartender replies, "I'm sorry we don't serve food."

This guy walks into a bar, carrying a crocodile and a chicken. He sets them down on the stool next to him, and says to the (uncertain-looking) bartender "I'll have a Scotch and Soda." Then the crocodile says "And I'll have a Whiskey Sour." The (dumbfounded) bartender gasps "That's incredible; I've never seen a crocodile that could talk!" And the guy says "He can't; the chicken is a ventriloquist."

A man walks into a bar and orders a beer. He sips it and sets it down a monkey swings across the bar and pisses in the pint. The man asks the barman who owns the monkey. The barman replies the piano player. The man walks over to the piana player and says "Do you know your monkey pissed in my beer." The pianist replies "No, but if you hum it I'll play it."

This guy has been sitting in a bar all night, staring at a girl wearing the tightest pants he's ever seen. Finally his curiosity gets the best of him, so he walks over and asks: "How do you get into those pants?". The young woman looks him over and replies: "Well, you could start by buying me a drink..."

This woman is sitting in a bar, wearing some sort of tube top. She has never shaved her armpits in her entire life, so as a result, she has a thick black bush under each arm. Every 20 minutes, she raises her arm up and flags the bartender for another drink. This goes on all night. The other people in the bar see her hairy pits every time she raises her arm. Near the end of the night, this drunk at the end of the bar says to the bartender, "Hey, I'd like to buy the ballerina a drink". The bartender replies, "She's not a ballerina. What makes you think she's a ballerina?" The drunk says, "Any girl that can life her leg that high HAS to be a ballerina!"

A sea anemone floats into a bar and says to the bartender, "I'd like to buy a drink for that man in the corner." The bartender takes the drink to the man in the corner and says, "This is from your friend over there." The man replies, "With anemone like that, who needs friends?"

A bear went into a bar and ordered a beer. He gave the bartender a twenty and the bartender went to the other end of the bar to put the money in the register. The second bartender whispered to the first, "He's a bear, what does he know, short-change him." The first bartender brings the bear $10 in change. A little while later the bartender starts talking to the bear and mentions, "We don't get many bears in this bar." The bear replies, "I'm not surprised, at $10 a beer I sure won't be back again....

Two guys wandered into a bar. One of the men shouted to the barkeeper,"Hiya, Mike. Set 'em up for me and my pal here." Then he turned to his slightly dim partner and boasted, "This is a great bar. For every two drinks you buy, the house gives you one. And the pinball machines in the back are free!" "That's not so great, "responded the friend. "There's a bar across town That'll match you drink for drink, and you can get laid in the back for free." "Where is this place?" the first guy exclaimed. "Oh, I don't know," the dim fellow replied, "but my wife goes there all the time."


----------------------------------------------------------------------

Why do blondes get confused in the ladies room ?
Because they have to pull their own pants down.

Why do blondes wear panties ?
To keep their ankles warm.

What do blondes virgins eat ?
Baby food .

What's the difference between a blonde and a walrus?
One has whiskers and fishy flaps, and the other is a walrus.

What is foreplay for a blonde?
Thirty minutes of begging.

What is a blondes idea of dental floss?
Pubic hair.

What does a blonde put behind her ears to make her more attractive?
Her ankles.

What do you say to a blonde that wont give up?
Have another beer.

What do you call a zit on a blondes ass?
A brain tumour.

How do you get a blonde pregnant?
Cum in her shoes and let the flies do the rest.

How does a blonde try to kill fish?
She tries to drown it.

How does a blonde hold her liquor?
By the ears.

How do you know if a blonde likes you?
She screws you two nights in a row.

How do you know a blondes just lost her virginity?
Her crayons are still sticky.

Why can't blondes water ski?
Because when they get their crotch wet they think they have to lie down.

What do you do if a blonde throws a pin at you?
Run like hell as they still have the grenade in there mouth.

Why are blondes coffins "Y" shaped?
When they lie on their backs their legs open.

What did the blondes mum say before the blondes date?
If your not in bed by 12, come home.

Why did the blonde tiptoe past the medicine cabinet?
So she didn't wake the sleeping pills.

Why did the blonde stop using the pill?
Because it kept falling out.

Why aren't there many blonde gymnasts?
Because when they did the splits they stuck to the floor.

Whats the difference between a fridge and a blonde?
A fridge doesn't fart when you take the meat out.

What have a blonde and a moped got in common?
They are both fun to ride until a friend sees you on one

What does a blonde and a lottery scratch card have in common?
All you have to do is scratch the box to win.

What's the difference between a blonde and an inflatable doll?
About two cans of hair spray.

What's the quickest way to get into a blondes pants?
Pick them up off the floor.

What do you say to a blonde with no arms and no legs ?
Nice tits!

----------------------------------------------------------------------

John receives a phone call."Hello," he answers.The voice on the other end says, "This is Susan. We met at a party about 3 months ago."John: "Hmm... Susan? About 3 months ago?"Susan: "Yes, it was at Bill's house. After the party you took me home. On the way we parked and got into the back seat. You told me I was a good sport."John: "Oh, yeah! Susan! How are you?"Susan: "I'm pregnant and I'm going to kill myself."John: "Say, you ARE a good sport."

A man rushes into his house and yells to his wife, "Martha, pack up your things. I just won the California lottery!"Martha replies, "Shall I pack for warm weather or cold?"The man responds, "I don't care. Just so long as you're out of the house by noon!"

One Fall day, Bill was out raking leaves when he noticed a hearse slowly drive by. Following the first hearse, was a second hearse which was followed by a man walking solemnly along, followed by a dog, and then about 200 men walking in single file.Intrigued, Bill went up to the man following the second hearse and asked him who was in the first hearse."My wife," the man replied. "I'm sorry," said Bill. "What happened to her?""My dog bit her and she died."Bill then asked the man who was in the second hearse. The man replied, "My mother-in-law. My dog bit her and she died as well."Bill thought about this for a while. He finally asked the man, "Can I borrow your dog?"To which the man replied, "Get in line."

At the 1997 World Women's Conference the first speaker from England stood up: "At last years' conference we spoke about being more assertive with our husbands. Well after the conference I went home and told my husband that I would no longer cook for him and that he would have to do it himself. After the first day I saw nothing. After the second day I saw nothing. But after the third day I saw that he had cooked a wonderful roast lamb."The crowd cheered.The second speaker from America stood up: "After last years' conference I went home and told my husband that I would no longer do his laundry and that he would have to do it himself. After the first day I saw nothing. After the second day I saw nothing. But after the third day I saw that he had done not only his own washing but my washing as well."The crowd cheered.The third speaker from Australia stood up: "After last years' conference I went home and told my husband that I would no longer do his shopping and that he would have to do it himself. After the first day I saw nothing. After the second day I saw nothing. But after the third day I could see a little bit out of my left eye."


A young single guy is on a cruise ship, having the time of his life. On the second day of the cruise, the ship slams into an iceberg and begins to sink. Passengers around him are screaming, flailing, and drowning but our guy manages to grab on to a piece of driftwood and, using every last ounce of strength, swims a few miles through the shark-infested sea to a remote island. Sprawled on the shore nearly passed out from exhaustion, he turns his head and sees a woman lying near him, unconscious, barely breathing. She's also managed to wash up on shore from the sinking ship. He makes his way to her, and with some mouth-to-mouth assistance he manages to get her breathing again. She looks up at him, wide-eyed and grateful and says, "My God, you saved my life!" e suddenly realizes the woman is Cindy Crawford! Days and weeks go by. Cindy and our guy are living on the island together. They've set up a hut, there's fruit on the trees, and they're in heaven. Cindy's fallen madly in love with our man, and they're making passionate love morning, noon and night.Alas, one day she notices he's looking kind of glum. "What's the matter, sweetheart?" she asks, "We have a wonderful life together, I'm in love with you. Is there something wrong? Is there anything I can do?"He says, "Actually, Cindy, there is. Would you mind, putting on my shirt?""Sure," she says, "if it will help." He takes off his shirt and she puts it on."Now would you put on my pants?" he asks."Sure, honey, if it's really going to make you feel better," she says."Okay, would you put on my hat now, and draw a little mustache on your face?" he asks."Whatever you want, sweetie," she says, and does.Then he says, "Now, would you start walking around the edge of the island?"She starts walking around the perimeter of the island. He sets off in the other direction. They meet up half way around the island a few minutes later. He rushes up to her, grabs her by the shoulders, and says, "Dude! You'll never believe who I'm sleeping with!"

A little kid comes running into the backyard.He says, "Pop! Pop! Ma just got hit by a bus!""Son, you know my lips are chapped. Please don't make me smile."

An escaped convict broke into a house and tied up a young couple who had been sleeping in the bedroom.As soon as he had a chance, the husband turned to his voluptuous young wife, bound up on the bed in a skimpy nightgown, and whispered, "Honey, this guy hasn't seen a woman in years. Just cooperate with anything he wants. If he wants to have sex with you, just go along with it and pretend you like it. Our lives depend on it.""Dear," the wife hissed, spitting out her gag, "I'm so relieved you feel that way, because he just told me he thinks you have a really nice, tight-looking ass!!!!!!!"


A guy goes over to his friend's house, rings the bell, and the wife answers." Hi, is Tony home?"" No, he went to the store.""Well, you mind if I wait?"" No, come in."They sit down and the friend says, "You know Nora, you have the greatest breasts I have ever seen. I'd give you a hundred bucks if I could just see one."Nora thinks about this for a second and figures what the hell - a hundred bucks. She opens her robe and shows one. He promptly thanks her and throws a hundred bucks on the table.They sit there a while longer and Chris says, "They are so beautiful I've got to see the both of them. I'll give you another hundred bucks if I could just see the both of them together."Nora thinks about this and thinks what the hell, opens her robe, and gives Chris a nice long look. Chris thanks her, throws another hundred bucks on the table, and then says he can't wait any longer and leaves.A while later Tony arrives home and his wife says, "You know, your weird friend Chris came over. "Tony thinks about this for a second and says "Well did he drop off the 200 bucks he owes me?"

Three guys are applying for a job with the CIA. They get all the way to the final test. So the first guy walks into the director's office and sits down. The director reaches in his desk and pulls out a pistol. He lays it on his desk in front of the guy. Tells him, "This test is to test your loyalty. Take this gun and go up the stairs and go into the first room on your right. Your wife will be in there. Put a bullet in her head." The guy looks at him and says, "No way." So the director says, "You fail."The next guy comes in. The director tells him the same thing. Guy picks up the gun and heads for the room. Comes back about 15 minutes later. Tells the director that he just couldn't go through with it. The director says, "You fail."So now the third guy comes in, same scene. Guy heads up to the room. The director hears 3 shots, followed by a whole lot of ruckus (glass breaking, furniture getting smashed). Guy comes back in all beat up and his clothes tore up. The director goes, "What happened to you?" Guy replies, "After three shots I realized that there were blanks in the gun so I had to choke the bitch to death."

A husband and wife went to the fairgrounds. The wife wanted to go on the Ferris wheel, but the husband wasn't comfortable with that. So the wife went on the ride by herself.The wheel went round and round and suddenly the wife was thrown out and landed in a heap at her husband's feet."Are you hurt?" he asked."Of course I'm hurt!" she replied. "Three times around and you didn't wave once!"

A woman accompanied her husband to the doctor's office. After the checkup, the doctor took the wife aside and said, "Your husband is suffering from severe, long-term stress and it's affecting his cardiovascular system. He's a good candidate for either a heart attack or a stroke. If you don't do the following four things, your husband will surely die"."First, each morning, fix him a healthy breakfast and send him off to work in a good mood." "Second, at lunch time, make him a warm, nutritious meal and put him in a good frame of mind before he goes back to work.""Third, for dinner, fix an especially nice meal, and don't burden him with household chores." "Fourth, and most important for invigorating him and relieving stress, have sex with him several times a week and satisfy his every whim in bed."On the way home in the car, the husband turned to his wife and asked, "So, I saw the doctor talking to you and he sure seemed serious. What did he tell you?""You're going to die," she replied.


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Seems God was just about done creating the universe, had a couple of left-over things left in his bag of creations, so he stopped by to visit Adam and Eve in the Garden. He told the couple that one of the things he had to give away was the ability to stand up and pee."It's a very handy thing," God told the couple who he found hanging around under an apple tree. "I was wondering if either one of you wanted that ability."Adam popped a cork, jumped up and begged, "Oh, give that to me! I'd love to be able to do that! It seems the sort of thing a Man should do. Oh please, oh please, oh please, let me have that ability. It would be so great! When I'm working in the garden or naming the animals, I could just let it rip, I'd be so cool. Oh please God let it be me who you give that gift to, let me stand and pee, oh please.........." On and on he went like an excited little boy (who had to pee).Eve just smiled and shook her head at the display. She told God that if Adam really wanted it so badly, and it sure seemed to be the sort of thing that would make him happy, she really wouldn't mind if Adam were the one given the ability to stand up and pee.And so it was. And it was...well, good."Fine," God said, looking back into his bag of left-over gifts. "And what do we have left here? Oh yes, multiple orgasms..."

A husband and wife were having difficulty surviving financially so they decided that the wife should try prostitution as an extra source of income.The husband drove her out to a popular corner and informed her he would be at the side of the building if she had any questions or problems.A gentleman pulled up shortly after and asked her how much to go all the way. She told him to wait a minute and ran around the corner to ask her husband. The husband told her to tell the client $100. She went back and informed the client at which he cried, "That was too much!"He then asked, "How much for a handjob?" She asked him to wait a minute and ran to ask her husband how much.The husband said "Ask for $40". The woman ran back and informed the client.He felt that this was an agreeable price and began to remove his pants and underwear. Upon the removal of his clothing the woman noticed that the man was really well hung.She asked him once more to wait a moment. She ran around the corner again at which her husband asked, "Now what?"The wife replied, "Can I borrow $60?"

A woman goes into a funeral home to make arrangements for her husband's funeral. She tells the director that she wants her husband to be buried in a dark blue suit.He asks, "Wouldn't it just be easier to bury him in the black suit that he's wearing?"But she insists that it must be a blue suit and gives him a blank check to buy one.When she comes back for the wake, she sees her husband in the coffin and he is wearing a beautiful blue suit. She tells the director how much she loves the suit and asks how much it cost.He says, "Actually, it didn't cost anything. The funniest thing happened. As soon as you left, another corpse was brought in, this one wearing a blue suit. I noticed that they were about the same size, and asked the other widow if she would mind if her husband were buried in a black suit. She said that was fine with her. So... I switched the heads."

Father, mother and son decide to go to the zoo one day. So they set off and are seeing lots of animals. Eventually they end up opposite the elephant house. The boy looks at the elephant, sees its willy, points to it and says, "Mummy, what is that long thing?"His mother replies, "That, son, is the elephant's trunk." "No, at the other end.""That, son is the tail.""No, mummy, the thing under the elephant."A short embarrassed silence after which she replies, "That's nothing."The mother goes to buy some ice-cream and the boy, not being satisfied with her answer, asks his father the same question."Daddy, what is that long thing?""That's the trunk, son," replies the father."No at the other end.""Oh, that is the tail.""No, no daddy, the thing below," asks the son in desperation."That is the elephants penis. Why do you ask son?" "Well mummy said it was nothing," says the boy. Replies the father: "I tell you, I spoil that woman ..."

God creates Adam, and soon Adam is complaining that he's all alone in the Garden of Eden.So God says, "Okay, I'll make you a companion, a beautiful creature who'll cook and clean for you. It will be able to converse intelligently on any subject, and never ever complain or argue."Adam says, "That sounds great."God says, "The only thing is, it will cost you an arm and a leg."Adam says, "Damn, that's expensive. What can I get for a rib?"

Georgie is walking down the street after a sex-change operation has transformed him into a beautiful women. An old friend sees him and says, "Georgie, you look great...you're beautiful!"Georgie says, "Thanks...but holy Christ, did it hurt." His friend says, "When they cut open your chest and put in those implants?"Georgie says, "No, that didn't really hurt."His friend says, "When they cut off your dick and dug out a vagina?"Georgie says, "No, that didn't really hurt."His friend says, "Then what did hurt?"Georgie says, "When the doctor drilled a fucking hole in my head and sucked out half my brain."

There was a married couple who were in a terrible accident. The woman's face was burned severely. The doctor told the husband they couldn't graft any skin from her body because she was so skinny.The husband then donated some of his skin..... however, the only place suitable to the doctor was from his buttocks.The husband requested that no one be told of this, because after all this was a very delicate matter!After the surgery was completed, everyone was astounded at the woman's new beauty. She looked more beautiful than she ever did before! All her friends and relatives just raved about her youthful beauty!She was alone with her husband one day and she wanted to thank him for what he had done. She said, "Dear, I just want to thank you for everything you did for me! There is no way I could ever repay you!!!"He replied, "Oh don't worry, Honey, I get plenty thanks enough every time your mother comes over and kisses you on your cheek!!"

It's a beautiful warm spring day and a man and his wife are at the zoo. She's wearing a cute, loose-fitting, pink spring dress, sleeveless with straps. As they walk through the ape exhibit and pass in front of a very large gorilla, the gorilla goes ape.He jumps up on the bars, holding on with one hand (and 2 feet), grunting and pounding his chest with the free hand. He is obviously excited at the pretty lady in the wavy dress. The husband, noticing the excitement, suggests that his wife tease the poor fellow.The husband suggests she pucker her lips, wiggle her bottom, and play along. She does and Mr. Gorilla gets even more excited, making noises that would wake the dead. Then the husband suggests that she let one of her straps fall, she does, and Mr. Gorilla is just about to tear the bars down. "Now try lifting your dress up your thighs"... this drives the gorilla absolutely crazy.Then, quickly the husband grabs his wife by the hair, rips open the door to the cage, slings her in with the gorilla and says, "Now, tell HIM you have a headache."

Guy takes his wife to the Doctor...The Doc says, "Well, it's either Alzheimer's disease or AIDS.""What do you mean?" the guy says. "You can't tell the difference?""Yeah, the two look a lot alike in the early stages... Tell you what.. Drive her way out into the country, kick her out of the car, and if she finds her way back, don't fuck her."

A woman whose husband often came home drunk decided to cure him of the habit.One Halloween night, she put on a devil suit and hid behind a tree to intercept him on the way home.When her husband came by, she jumped out and stood before him with her red horns, long tail, and pitchfork."Who are you?" he asked."I'm the Devil," she responded."Well, come on home with me," he said, "I married your sister."

A young couple was invited to a swanky masked Halloween party. The wife came down with a terrible headache and told her husband to go to the party and have a good time. Being the devoted husband, he protested, but she argued and said she was going to take some aspirin and go to bed. She told him there was no need for him to miss the fun. So he took his costume and away he went.The wife, after sleeping soundly for one hour, awakened without pain, and as it was still early, she decided to go to the party. Because hubby did not know what her costume was, she thought she would have some kicks watching her husband to see how he acted when she was not around. She joined the party and soon spotted her husband cavorting around on the dance floor. He was dancing with every nice chick he could, and copping a feel here and taking a little kiss there. His wife sidled up to him and being a rather seductive babe herself, he left his partner high and dry and devoted his time to the new "action."She let him go as far as he wished; naturally, since he was her husband. Finally he whispered a little proposition in her ear and she agreed, so off they went to one of the cars and had a little bang.Just before unmasking at midnight, she slipped out, went home and put the costume away and got into bed, wondering what kind of explanation he would have for his notorious behavior.She was sitting up reading when he came in, and she asked him what he had done. He said, "Oh, the same old thing. You know I never have a good time when you're not there."Then she asked, "Did you dance much?"He replied, "I'll tell you, I never even danced one dance. When I got to the party, I met Pete, Bill and some other guys, so we went into the den and played poker all evening. But I'll tell you... the guy that I loaned my costume to sure had one helluva time!"

A man came home from work sporting two black eyes."What happened to you?" asked his wife. "I'll never understand women," he replied. "I was riding up in an escalator behind this pretty young girl, and I noticed that her skirt was stuck in the crack of her ass. So I pulled it out, and she turned around and punched me in the eye!""I can certainly appreciate that," said the wife, "But how did you get the second black eye?""Well, I figured she liked it that way," said the husband, "So I pushed it back in."

A young couple are on their way to Vegas to get married. Before getting there, the girl said to the guy that she has a confession to make: the reason that they have not been too intimate is because she is very flat-chested. If he wishes to cancel the wedding, it's okay with her. The guy thought about it for a while, and said he does not mind she is flat, and sex is not the most important thing in a marriage.Several miles down the road, the guy turned to the girl and said that he also wants to make a confession; he said below his waist, it is just like a baby. If the girl wants to cancel the marriage, its okay with him. The girl thought about it for a while and said that she does not mind, and she also believed there are other things far more important than sex in a marriage.They were happy that they are honest with each other. They went on to Vegas and got married. On their wedding night, the girl took off her clothes, she was flat as a washboard. Finally, the guy took off his clothes. One glance at the guy's naked body, the girl fainted and fell to the floor.After she became conscious the guy asked: "I told you before we got married, why did you still faint?"The girl said: "You told me it was just like a baby".The guy replied: "Yes, 8 pounds and 21 inches".


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Q: How do you turn a fox into an elephant?
A: Marry it!

Q: What is the difference between a battery and a woman?
A: A battery has a positive side!

Q: What are the three fastest means of communication?
A: 1) Internet
2) Telephone
3) Telawoman

Q: Why do hunters make the best lovers?
A: Because they go deep in the bush, shoot more than once and they
eat what they shoot!

Q: How are fat girls and mopeds alike?
A: They're both fun to ride until your friends find out!

Q: How is a woman like a condom?
A: Both of them spend more time in your wallet than on your willy!

Q: What should you give a woman who has everything?
A: A man to show her how to work it!

Q: How are twisters (tornadoes) and marriage alike?
A: They both begin with a lot of blowing and sucking, and in th
end, you lose your house!

Q: Why does a bride smile when she walks up the aisle?
A: She knows she's given her last blow job!

Q: What's the difference between a bitch and a whore?
A: A whore sleeps with everyone at the party and a bitch sleeps
with everyone at the party except you!

Q: What's the difference between your wife and your job?
A: After 10 years the job still sucks!

Q: What's the difference between love, true love, and showing off?
A: Spitting, swallowing, and gargling!

Q: Do you know why they call it the Wonder Bra?
A: When you take it off you wonder where her tits went!

Q: How do you make 5 pounds of fat look good?
A: Put a nipple on it!

Q: Why did the woman cross the road?
A: What's she doing out of the kitchen in the first place?!

Q: Why are there no female astronauts on the moon?
A: Because it doesn't need cleaning yet!

Q: Why is the space between a women's breasts and her hips called
a waist?
A: Because you could easily fit another pair of tits in there!

Q: How is the card game Bridge and sex alike?
A: If you don't have a good partner you better have a good hand!

Q: What do you call a cow with no legs?
A: Ground beef!


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When Not To Fart

1. In a crowded elevator
2. On a crowded bus
3. In a public library
4. While on a date
5. While giving a speech
6. In church
7. In a crowded classroom
8. In an office when you are alone - somebody's bound to walk in
9. In a movie theater
10. In a walk in freezer - its bound to linger for a while
11. In a ticket line
12. In your car before picking up a family member
13. In bed when you are feeling frisky
14. While fighting a fire in a burning building
15. In a patrol car for a minor violation

When To Fart

1. In your bosses office just as your leaving - make sure its a silent one
2. In a bathroom
3. In a cashiers line - it might help speed things up a little
4. In an empty elevator before you get off
5. Next to an occupied changing room - it may quickly become unoccupied
6. In someone else's unoccupied cubical at work
7. While parachuting
8. While scuba diving
9. In the back seat of a patrol car if you are arrested
10. During interrogation if you're the one being interrogated
11. In you car if you've been car jacked
12. In the changing room when you are sure somebody else's waiting their turn
13. In you car once you've been pulled over - the cop may let you go quicker
14. During a pie eating competition to distract your competitors
15. While walking down a crowded hallway - nobody will know who to blame


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Types Of Farts

The Anticipated Fart: This one warns that it is back there waiting for some time before it arrives. A person who is uneasy for a time in a crowd and who later farts at a time when they think no one will notice has farted an Anticipated Fart.

The Back Seat Fart: This is a fart that occurs only in automobiles. It is identified chiefly by odor. The Back Seat Fart can usually be concealed by traffic noise as it is an eased-out fart and not very loud. But its foul odor will give it away, due to the way air moves around in a car. It is often followed by someone saying, "Who farted in the back seat?"

The Barn Owl Fart: A familiarity with owl calls is helpful in identifying this fart. Almost any morning if you get up just before daybreak you can hear one of these birds talking to himself. It's a sort of a crazy laugh, particularly the way it ends. If you hear a fart that has about eight notes in it, ending on a couple of down notes, and it sounds maniacal, you have heard the rare Barn Owl Fart.

The Bullet Fart: Its single and most pronounced diagnostic characteristic is its sound. It sounds like a rifle shot. The farter can be said to have snapped it off. It can startle spectators and farter alike. Fairly common following the eating of the more common fart foods, such as beans.

The Command Fart: This fart differs from the Anticipated Fart in that it can be held for long periods of time waiting for the right moment. Unlike the Anticipated Fart, it is intended to be noticed. Harold Tabor recently held a Command Fart for the whole period in history class and let it go right at the end when the teacher asked if there were any questions.

The Common Fart: This fart needs little description. It is to the world of farts what the house sparrow is to the world of birds. I can see no point in describing this far any further.

The Cushioned Fart: A concealed fart, sometimes successful. The farter is usually on the fat side, sometimes a girl. They will squirm and push their butt way down into the cushions of a sofa or over-stuffed chair and ease-out a fart very carefully without moving then or for some time after. Some odor may escape, but usually not much. Common with some people.

The Dud Fart: The Dud Fart is not really a fart at all. It's a fart that fails. For this reason it is strictly a group one identification fart, because there is no real way you can identify a fart that somebody else expected to fart but didn't. It is the most private of all farts. In most cases the farter usually feels a little disappointed.

The Echo Fart: This is a fart that can be wrongly identified. It is not some great loud fart in an empty gym or on the rim of the Grand Canyon. The true Echo Fart is a fart that makes its own echo. It is a two-toned fart, the first tone loud, then a pause, and then the second tone. Like an echo.

The G and L Fart: This is one of the most ordinary and pedestrian of farts, known to everyone. Certainly it is the least gross. If you have not already guessed, G and L stands for Gambled and Lost. One of the most embarrassing of all farts, even when you are alone.

The Ghost Fart: A doubtful fart in most cases, as it is supposed to be identified by odor alone and to occur, for instance, in an empty house. You enter and smell a fart, yet no one is there. People will insist that only a fart could have that odor, but some believe it is just something that happens to smell like a fart.

The Hic-Hachoo-Fart Fart: This is strictly an old lady's fart. What happens is that the person manages to hiccough, sneeze, and fart all at the same time. After an old lady farts a Hic-Hachoo-Fart Fart she will usually pat her chest and say, "My, oh my," or "Well, well." There is no reason she should not be proud, as this is probably as neat an old person's fart as there is.

The Jerk Fart: The Jerk Fart is a fart by a jerk who smirks, smiles, grins, and points to himself in case you missed it. It is usually a single-noted, off-key, fading away, sort of whistle fart, altogether pitiful, but the jerk will act as if he has just farted the Biggest Fart in the World Fart.

The John Fart: The John Fart is simply any ordinary fart farted on the john. It is naturally a group one identification, with the sound, whatever it was, somewhat muffled. If it is all the person's trip to the john amounted to he will be disappointed for sure. Common as pigeons.

The Lead Fart: The heaviest of all farts. It sounds like a dropped ripe watermelon. Or a falling body in some cases. It is the only fart that goes thud. Except for the odor, which is also very heavy, it could be missed altogether as a fart. What was that, you might think? And never guess.

The Malted Milk Ball Fart: Odor alone is diagnostic and positively identifies this fart. It smells exactly like malted milk balls. No other food works this way. It is rare.

The Oh My God Fart: This is the most awful and dreadful stinking of all farts - a fart that smells like a month-old rotten egg - as the Oh My God Fart. If you should ever encounter it, however, you may first want to say, oh sh*t, which would be understandable.

The Omen Fart: This is the adult version of the Poo-Poo Fart. About the only difference is that the farter will not say anything. He will just look kind of funny and head for the john. This one is easy to spot if you pay attention.

The Organic Fart: Sometimes called the Health Food Nut Fart. The person who farts an Organic Fart may be talking about the healthy food he eats even when he farts. If he is heavily into health foods he may even ask if you noticed how good and pure and healthy his fart smells. It may smell to you like any other fart, but there is no harm in agreeing with him. He is doing what he thinks is best.

The Quiver Fart: A group one identification fart only. When you fart, it quivers. If it tickles, then it is the Tickle Fart. If you have to scratch it, then it is the Scratchass Fart.

The Rambling Phaduka Fart: You must not be fooled by its pretty-sounding name, as this is one of the most frightening of all farts. It is frightening to farter and spectator alike. It has a sound of pain to it. What is most diagnostic about it, however, is its length. It is the longest-lasting fart there is. It will sometimes leave the farter unable to speak. As though he has had the wind knocked out of him. A strong, loud, wavering fart, it goes on for at least fifteen seconds.

The Relief Fart: Sound or odor don't matter on this one. What matters is the tremendous sense of relief that you have finally farted. Some people will even say, "Wow, what a relief." Very common.

The Reluctant Fart: This is probably one of the oldest farts known to man. The Reluctant Fart is a fart that seems to have a mind of its own. It gives the impression that it likes staying where it is. It will come when it is ready, not before. This can take half-a-day in some instances.

The Rusty Gate Fart: The sound of this fart seems almost impossible for a fart. Is is the most dry and squeaky sound a fart can make. The Rusty Gate Fart sounds as if it would have worked a lot easier if it had been oiled. It sounds like a fart that hurts.

The S.B.D. Fart: S.B.D. stands for Silent But Deadly. This is no doubt one of the most common farts that exists. No problem of identification with this one.

The Sandpaper Fart: This one scratches. Otherwise it may not amount to much. You should remember that if you reach back and scratch, it automatically becomes a Scratchass Fart. Common.

The Skillsaw Fart: A truly awesome fart. It vibrates the farter. Really shakes him up. People back away. It sounds like an electric skillsaw ripping through a piece of half-inch plywood. Very impressive. Not too common.

The Sonic Boom Fart: The people who believe in this fart claim it is even bigger than the Biggest Fart In The World Fart. The Sonic Boom Fart is supposed to shake the house and rattle the windows. This is ridiculous. No fart in the world shakes houses and rattles windows. A fart that could do that would put the farter into orbit or blow his crazy head off.

The Splatter Fart: Unfortunately the Splatter Fart exists. It is the wettest of all farts. It probably should not be called a fart at all.

The Stutter Fart: If you think stuttering is funny, this is a very funny fart. It is a fart that can't seem to get going. The sound is best described as pt,pt,pt-pt,pt-pt-pt,pop,pop-pop-pop-POW! It is usually a forced-out fart that gets caught crossways, as they say, and only gets farted after considerable effort.

The Taco Bell Fart: The Taco Bell Fart is far richer and full-bodied than your ordinary Junk Fart and takes longer to build up. Sometimes hours or even a day. But it will get there. And it will hang around after, too. Even on a windy day.

The Teflon Fart: Slips out without a sound and no strain at all. A very good fart in situations where you would rather not fart at all. You can be talking to someone and not miss saying a word. If the wind is right he will never know.

The Thank God I'm Alone Fart: Everyone knows this rotten fart. You look around after you have farted and say, "Thank God I'm alone." Then you get out of there fast!

The Tickle Fart: A group one only and one of the easiest to identify. Usually a slow soft sort of fart. If you like being tickled this is the fart for you!


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How To Shower Like A Woman:

1. Take off clothing and place it in sectioned laundry hamper according to lights and darks.
2. Walk to bathroom wearing long dressing gown. If you see your boyfriend/husband along the way, cover up any exposed flesh and rush to bathroom.
3. Look at your womanly physique in the mirror and stick out your gut so that you can complain and whine even more about how you're getting fat.
4. Get in the shower. Look for facecloth, armcloth, legcloth, long loofah, wide loofah and pumice stone.
5. Wash your hair once with Cucumber and Lamfrey shampoo with 83 added vitamins
6. Wash your hair again with Cucumber and Lamfrey shampoo with 83 added vitamins.
7. Condition your hair with Cucumber and Lamfrey conditioner enhanced with natural crocus oil. Leave on hair for fifteen minutes.
8. Wash your face with crushed apricot facial scrub for ten minutes until red raw.
9. Wash entire rest of body with Ginger Nut and Jaffa Cake body wash
10. Rinse conditioner off hair (this takes at least fifteen minutes as you must make sure that it has all come off).
11. Shave armpits and legs. Consider shaving bikini area but decide to get it waxed instead.
12. Scream loudly when your boyfriend/husband flushes the toilet and you lose the water pressure.
13. Turn off shower.
14. Squeegee off all wet surfaces in shower. Spray mold spots with Tilex.
15. Get out of shower. Dry with towel the size of a small African country. Wrap hair in super absorbent second towel,
16. Check entire body for the remotest sign of a zit. Attack with nails/tweezers if found.
17. Return to bedroom wearing long dressing gown and towel on head.
18. If you see your boyfriend/husband along the way, cover up any exposed flesh and then rush to bedroom to spend an hour and a half getting dressed.

How To Shower Like A Man

1. Take off clothes while sitting on the edge of the bed and leave them in a pile.
2. Walk naked to the bathroom. If you see your girlfriend/wife along the way, flash her making the "woo" sound.
3. Look at your manly physique in the mirror and suck in your gut to see if you have pecs (no). Admire the size of your dick in the mirror, scratch your balls and smell your fingers for one last whiff.
4. Get in the shower.
5. Don't bother to look for a washcloth. (you don't use one)
6. Wash your face
7. Wash your armpits
8. Crack up at how loud your fart sounds in the shower.
9. Wash your privates and surrounding area.
10. Wash your ass, leaving hair on the soap bar.
11. Shampoo your hair. (do not use conditioner)
12. Make a shampoo Mohawk.
13. Pull back shower curtain and look at yourself in the mirror.
14. Pee in the shower.
15. Rinse off and get out of the shower. Fail to notice water on the floor because you left the curtain hang out of the tub the whole time.
16. Partial dry off.
17. Look at yourself in the mirror, flex muscles. Admire dick size.
18. Leave shower curtain open and wet bath mat on the floor.
19. Leave bathroom and fan light on.
20. Return to the bedroom with towel around your waist. If you pass your girlfriend/wife, pull off the towel, grab your dick, go "Yeah baby" and thrust your pelvis at her.
21. Throw wet towel on the bed. Take 2 minutes to get dressed


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Elderly

One morning a long-wed couple were in an amourous embrace and the wife says: "Honey, that Viagra is so wonderful, let me fix us a nice full breakfast... eggs, bacon, toast..."
The husband says: "No, I'm not hungry, the Viagra takes away my appetite."
Later in the day, the wife says: "Sweetheart, I want to do something for you, let me fix you a nice wholesome lunch, fresh salad with your favorite ingredients, steamed veggies, and some grilled fish fillets..."
The husband again refuses, "I'm just not hungry after using that Viagra."
Long about dinner time, the wife tries again, "Are you hungry yet?, I'll fix a steak and potatoes dinner with hot rolls."
The husband still refuses, "No, that Viagra just kills my appetite."
The wife then firmly says "well, I'm getting something to eat, so get OFF of me!!!"

97 year old man comes to his doctor looking depressed. He says "Doc, I think I'm impotent." Doctor sits him down and begins the standard speech he gives to senior citizens, about how as the body ages bodily functions slow down and it is completely normal to suffer some decrease in sexual desire. How the man shouldn't worry or become upset about it, but should just relax and things will probably be completely fine and blah blah blah. Finally the doctor asks "When did you first begin to think you were impotent?"
"Three times last night, and again this morning."

A woman goes to her doctor, complaining that her husband is 300% impotent.
The doctor says, "I'm not sure I understand what you mean."
She says, "Well, the first 100% you can imagine. In addition, he burned his tongue and broke his finger!"

A middle aged man, about 5 foot 8 inches tall, walks into a Wal-mart and asks where the pharmacy counter is. He is directed to it. When he reaches it, he asks to see the pharmacist. He
comes out and the man, looking around furtively, asks quietly, "Do you sell Viagra here?"
The pharmacist answers firmly, "Yes, sir. We certainly do."
The man then says, "Do you think I could get it over the counter?"
The pharmacist looks at him for a moment and then says, "Perhaps if you took 5 or 6 pills at once you might."

A retired gentlemen went into the social security office to apply for Social Security. After waiting in line a long time he got to the counter. The woman behind the counter asked him for his drivers license to verify his age. He looked in his pockets and realised he had left his wallet at home. He told the woman that he was very sorry but he seemed to have left his wallet at home.
"Will I have to go home and come back now?" he asks.
The woman says, "Unbutton your shirt."
So he opens his shirt revealing lots of curly silver hair. She says,
"That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me," she processed his application.
When he gets home, the man excitedly tells his wife about his experience at the Social Security office. She said, "You should have dropped your pants, you might have qualified for disability, too."

Morris, an 80-year-old millionaire becomes engaged to a beautiful 22-year-old model, Sherry La Rue. He goes to his doctor for a check-up a couple of weeks before the wedding date. The doctor looks him over and says,
"Morris, you seem completely healthy but I must tell you one thing."
"What's that?", asks Morris.
"At your age, sex can be dangerous, and you need to watch it, take care as it could be really deadly" the doctor replies.
Morris thinks for a minute and then says, "What the hell, if she dies, she dies."

There was a young woman who lived with her grandmother. One night the granddaughter came bouncing down the stairs dressed to go out to a party wearing a see through blouse without a bra. Her grandmother told her to go back up stairs and "dress decent." The young woman said, "No, I want to show off my rosebuds" and went out the door.
The next day the granddaughter came outside to find her grandmother on the porch wearing the see through blouse without a bra.
"Grandmother!! What are you doing?
My boyfriend and a couple of other friends are coming over any time now!" she cried.
"Please go change your blouse, I'm so embarrassed!!" The older woman replied,
"Well if you can show off your rosebuds then I can show off my hanging baskets."

Two elderly ladies are sitting on the front porch, doing nothing. One old lady turns to the other and asks, "Do you still get horny?"
The other replies, "Oh sure I do."
The first old lady asks, "What to you do about it?"
The second old lady replies, "I suck a lifesaver."
After a few moments, the first old lady asks, "Who drives you to the beach?

An old man was on the beach and walked up to a beautiful girl in a bikini,
"I want to feel your breasts," he exclaimed.
"Get away from me, you crazy old man," she replied.
"I want to feel your breasts, I will give you twenty dollars," he says.
"Twenty dollars, are you nuts!? Get away from me!"
"I want to feel your breasts, I will give you ONE HUNDRED DOLLARS" he says.
"NO! Get away from me!"
"TWO HUNDRED DOLLARS" he says.
She pauses to think about it, but then comes to her senses & says, "I said NO!"
"FIVE HUNDRED DOLLARS if you let me feel your breasts," he says.
She thinks, well he is old, and he seems harmless enough...and five hundred dollars IS a lot of money...."Well, OK...but only for a minute," she says.

She loosens her bikini top and while both are standing there on the beach, he slides his hands underneath and begins to feel...and then he starts saying OH MY GOD...OH MY GOD...while he is caressing them. So out of curiosity, she asks him "Why do you keep saying 'Oh my god'?"
While continuing to feel her breasts he answers "OH MY GOD...OH MY GOD...where am I ever going to get five hundred dollars?"

A couple, age 67, went to the doctor's office.
The doctor asked, "What can I do for you?"
The man said, "Will you watch us have sexual intercourse?"
The doctor looked puzzled, but agreed. When the couple finished, the doctor said, "There is nothing wrong with the way you have intercourse."
And he then charged them £32.00. This happened several weeks in a row. The couple would make an appointment, have intercourse, pay the doctor and leave.
Finally the doctor asked, "Just what exactly are you trying to find out?"
The old man said, "We're not trying to find out anything. She is married and we can't go to her house. I am married and we can't go to my house.The Holiday Inn charges £60.00 and the Hilton charges £75.00. We do it here for £32.00, and I get back £28.00 from Medicare for a visit to the doctor's office."

An old man and an old lady are getting ready for bed one night when all of a sudden the woman bursts out of the bathroom, flings open her robe and yells: "Super Pussy!"
The old man says: "I'll have the soup."

An elderly man was admitted to a rest


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