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  Humor stories > Funny stories : Funny quotes

Funny quotes


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I always look for a woman who has a tattoo. I see a woman with a tattoo, and I’m thinking, okay, here’s a gal who’s capable of making a decision she’ll regret in the future. (Richard Jeni)


I worked some gigs in the Deep South…Alabama…You talk about Darwin’s waiting room. There are guys in Alabama who are their own father. (Dennis Miller)


I went to a fight the other night and a hockey game broke out. (Rodney Dangerfield)


L.A. Is so celebrity-conscious, there`s a restaurant that only serves Jack Nicholson -- and when he shows up, they tell him there`ll be a ten-minute wait. (Bill Maher) Funny Quotes. Sayings. Quotations.


I celebrated Thanksgiving in an old-fashioned way. I invited everyone in my neighborhood to my house, we had an enormous feast, and then I killed them and took their land. (Jon Stewart)


There’s always one of my uncles who watches a boxing match with me and says "Sure. Ten million dollars. You know, for that kind of money, I’d fight him." As if someone is going to pay $200 a ticket to see a 57-year-old carpet salesman get hit in the face once and cry. (Larry Miller)


If I ever have twins, I`d use one for parts. (Steven Wright)


My wife and I took out life insurance policies on each other -- so now it`s just a waiting game. (Bill Dwyer)
Famous Quotes


My sister was with two men in one night. She could hardly walk after that. Can you imagine? Two dinners! (Sarah Silverman)


I know a guy who called up the Home Shopping Network. They said "Can I help you?" and he said "No, I`m just looking." (George Miller)


I knew these Siamese twins. They moved to England, so the other one could drive. (Steven Wright)


A father is explaining ethics to his son, who is about to go into business. "Suppose a woman comes in and orders a hundred dollars worth of material. You wrap it up, and you give it to her. She pays you with a $100 bill. But as she goes out the door you realize she’s given you two $100 bills. Now, here’s where the ethics come in: should you or should you not tell your partner?" (Henny Youngman)


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