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  Humor stories > Funny stories : Lord almighty, a christian site

Lord almighty, a christian site

Funny stories Rating : 1.00, 1 votes. Reviews : 0 [add review]
Jesus is lord! Wheee!!

So there I was, just cruising the internet looking for a batch of pornography. I go to, an old-time favorite site, and what do I see!? No content, no join, no free-tour (heh, what I used every time), no news, just "Jesus Christ is Lord." And below that "Click Here for Freedom." Yeah, okay, so about this time, I was in the mood for some freedom. So I hit that offer up, and it basically brought me to this weird Christian site. I was like, "No, no, no, man, take me back, I`ll hit up the Christ link," and so, I go there, and am I indeed amused. I see this weird site,, and I decide to watch the intro. To see it, go here...

Yes, if you didn`t see it, let me describe it. There`s a jail cell (I like how they did the neat designs for a small padlock) and there`s writing on the walls. First, you have some of the essentials, "Pornography," and "Smoking." Then some more of the good ones with "Overeating," and "Drinking," and "Homosexuality." And then this dude just squatting on the floor, with chains on his hands. And then boom! A cross blows up the front door and flies through (padlocks aren`t very effective). The dude smiles and it looks like he suffered a facial, self-inflicted gunshot wound. I mean, it`s pretty rough; that`s all I`m going say. He throws his arms at the cross and the end. I`m not really sure what they`re trying to say, exactly. Is overeating and smoking sinful? Probably. I mean, if you`re Catholic, Presbyterian, or any other happiness-is-evil cult, sure. Drinking is bad? Bah. A bottle of vodka made me felt more euphoric than Jesus when I did believe in a god. Honestly, they don`t ever say that Jesus feels better than alcohol, because then the world would just totally stop taking them seriously (I mean, even more so than now). Yeah, yeah, yeah... I could go on mocking them for a long, long time. Instead, I showed it to a whole bunch of people, and here are some responses...


Punkerslut: lol
Ely: what
Ely: what the hell is going on
Punkerslut: lol
Ely: That`s the nicest dressed prisoner I`ve ever seen
Ely: burn him at the stake!
Punkerslut: And so ugly.


Megan: wow.
Megan: that is so inspirational..
Punkerslut: lol
Punkerslut: Man, I better cut back on my Homosexuality and drinking. =(
Megan: now i have the urge to handcuff myself and wait for a huge gold cross to set me free!
Punkerslut: Yay!!
Megan: very kinky ;-)
Punkerslut: Man, this is so rough.
Punkerslut: God was at the door, "Have you been writing your secret fantasies on my walls again?"
Megan: very crazy.
Punkerslut: I`m-ma write an article about this.
Megan: because homosexuality is definitely a reason to be in jail
Punkerslut: looool
Megan: i mean, homosexuality is soooo gay...


Punkerslut: lol
Letter God: delightful
Letter God: I hope jesus comes through with the jail break if I ever get locked up
Punkerslut: Yeah, he never did that for me. =(
Punkerslut: God was at the door, "Have you been writing your secret fantasies on my walls again?"
Letter God: heh


Punkerslut: lol
Richard: ..
Punkerslut: lol
Punkerslut: Isn`t that FREAKING COOL!?
Richard: no
Richard: no it isn`t
Punkerslut: Pffft, nerd.
Punkerslut: Sinner!


Punkerslut: You`ll LOVE this.
Dan: oh man, that was so lame
Punkerslut: lol
Dan: he should reject god and go look at some porn and stuff
Punkerslut: Hell yeah.
Punkerslut: And get drunk.
Dan: yeah
Dan: religious people suck, like those that are heavy into it
Dan: if you want to believe in god hey whatever, but some people take it too far for my liking
Punkerslut: Yeah.


Punkerslut: lol
Caley: Mmm.. sacrilicious.
Punkerslut: Oh, hell yeah.


Punkerslut: lol
Darren: I don`t get it
Darren: ;p
Punkerslut: It`s funny!
Punkerslut: He was. the guy is.. there are things.. awww, forget it.
Darren: Ohh
Darren: Nevermind I get it
Darren: ;p
Punkerslut: =)
Darren: homosexuality was the best


Punkerslut: Jesus Is LorD! WHEE!
Derrek: yay
Punkerslut: You`ll like that site.
Punkerslut: lol, trust me
Derrek: oh geez this is beyond lame
Derrek: haha
Punkerslut: lol, right
Punkerslut: Man, I could get drunk and watch this. alllllll dayyyyyy.


Punkerslut: ETHAN!!!
Ethan: hey
Punkerslut: I just discovered the coolest thing evar!!
Punkerslut: Jesus Is Lord! WHEE!
Ethan: that was fun
Punkerslut: lol
Punkerslut: Don`t tell me you didn`t like it.
Ethan: it was absurd
Punkerslut: lol, it soooo was
Punkerslut: Man, I`m-ma get drunk and watch this a whole bunch of times!
Ethan: ok


Punkerslut: lol
Punkerslut: Okay.
Punkerslut: WATCH!
Glittering Insanity: ooooo bondage.
Glittering Insanity: muaha.
Glittering Insanity: this is making me upset. homosexuality is right up there with violence and such. NYARGH.
Punkerslut: WHAT VIOLENCE!?
Punkerslut: There`s drinking and overeating!
Punkerslut: It`s the wall of "Things To DO!"
Glittering Insanity: oh. well. porno then
Glittering Insanity: lol!
Glittering Insanity: pornography smoking overeating drinking homosexuality
Glittering Insanity: that is the wall of things to do.

Punkerslut: Yeaaaaaaap.
Glittering Insanity: well. if it said smoking pot.
Glittering Insanity: i don`t want to smoke cigs. bad bad.
Punkerslut: Technicalities.

Glittering Insanity: lol!
Punkerslut: Man, Jesus is awesome... Will you put me in handcuffs and break through the door?
Glittering Insanity: lol.
Glittering Insanity: kinky kinky.
Glittering Insanity: is that site serious?
Punkerslut: lol, yeah
Punkerslut: That`s the funny part.
Punkerslut: Man, this is never gonna get old.
Punkerslut: [replay]
Glittering Insanity: PURE FREEDOM TOUR
Punkerslut: As Orwell once said, "Slavery is freedom, ignorance is strength, war is peace."
Glittering Insanity: .. they like blue and yellow.
Punkerslut: And white!
Glittering Insanity: .. and black.
Punkerslut: And.... yellow.
Glittering Insanity: i said yellow! >:o
Punkerslut: [was already in Mexico by the time you could respond]
Glittering Insanity: lol. what the hell.


The Plastic Jesus: Alright.
The Plastic Jesus: Aw, wtf!
Punkerslut: loooool
Punkerslut: isn`t that coool!????
The Plastic Jesus: Totally.
Punkerslut: There`s a flying cross!
The Plastic Jesus: Is that guy you?
Punkerslut: Hey, bug off!
The Plastic Jesus: lol
Punkerslut: I`m not imprisoned by drinking... Drinking is my liberator.
Punkerslut: And don`t start with your, "It may seem that way, my brother in Christ."
The Plastic Jesus: lol
Punkerslut: Man, they have an SWF on alcoholism. Shit, does anyone think you can be an alcoholic WITHOUT being homeless?
The Plastic Jesus: lol, I`m not sure... and remember if you like drugs you MUST be homeless!
Punkerslut: True.
The Plastic Jesus: WTF, this site sucks.
Punkerslut: lol


Punkerslut: WATCH!!
Punkerslut: Did you see it?
John E: yeap.
Punkerslut: Oh, man.
Punkerslut: Was that awesome, or what.
John E: I have no speakers, heh.
Punkerslut: Aw.
John E: so maybe. ;-)
Punkerslut: There was crappy music in the background, is all.
Punkerslut: Besides, it`s an SWF!
Punkerslut: With a flying cross!
Punkerslut: And. homosexuality!
John E: I wish I had a flying cross.
John E: Instead all I`ve got is an intense desire to nap.
John E: Damn that was smooth, be back in an hour, lol.


Punkerslut: GO HERE NOW!
SymTrips: ugh WTF?
Punkerslut: lol, wasn`t that awesome?
Punkerslut: Dude, now don`t told me that you haven`t felt imprisoned by homosexuality, too.
SymTrips: I wasn`t paying too much attention to it... what was the message?
Punkerslut: Uuummmm, being gay with inanimate objects is okay with god.
SymTrips: o ok
SymTrips: hahaha


Punkerslut: lol, this is the coolest!
Rachel: OK
Rachel: ill check it out in a min.
Punkerslut: CHECK IT OUT!!???
Punkerslut: lol, it`s hilarious
Rachel: since when wereu so religious
Punkerslut: lol. I`m not
Punkerslut: I think Christianity is a sham.
Rachel: o
Rachel: lolic
Punkerslut: And that little movie is the most amusing ever.
Punkerslut: Look! Pornography and drinking on the same wall! It`s heaven!
Rachel: ,lol
Rachel: ya
Punkerslut: Man, I gotta find more people to show this video to.
Rachel: lol


Punkerslut: Duuuuuude!!!
Punkerslut: GO HERE NOW!
Uncouth Ranting: Oh dear.
Punkerslut: lol
Punkerslut: Isn`t that great?


Punkerslut: Check it out!!!
NiD: heeheeheeheeeheeheehee
Punkerslut: WHATCHYA" THINK~!?
NiD: it`s hilarious
Punkerslut: lol, it`s not as bad when you`re drunk.


Punkerslut: Check it out!!!!
Coincidence: What in the fuck was that?
Punkerslut: Wasn`t that the coolest!?
Coincidence: If by the coolest you mean the lamest.
Punkerslut: How the hell do you masturbate with handcuffs on?
Coincidence: Oh, come on, dude! Use your imagination!
Coincidence: Ummm...
Coincidence: Why did you send this to me?
Punkerslut: Why DIDN`T I send it to you?
Coincidence: Please... Must I answer that?
Punkerslut: Well, it`s funny, man.
Coincidence: True, and in a way, sad.
Punkerslut: Don`t dwell on it too much. =(
Coincidence: Why is that guy on his knees at the end?
Punkerslut: Well, he WAS chilling out in a room that had the word "homosexuality" written on the wall. [cough] And he had handcuffs on. did I mention he was in a room where "homosexuality" was written on the wall?
Coincidence: You did.
Punkerslut: Oh.


Also, we respect your right to believe as you choose, but those in the following religions are not allowed to become mentors with Setting Captives Free: Muslims, Mormons, Jehovah`s Witnesses, Catholics, Seventh-Day Adventists, Christian Scientists or Unitarians.


For Life,


Punkerslut (or Andy Carloff) has been writing essays and poetry on social issues which have caught his attention for several years. His website provides a complete list of all of these writings. His life experience includes homelessness, squating in New Orleans and LA, dropping out of high school, getting expelled from college for "subversive activities," and a myriad of other revolutionary actions.


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