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  Humor stories > Funny stories : Seventy two raisins

Seventy two raisins

Funny stories Rating : 6.00, 2 votes. Reviews : 1 [add review]
It would be nice to believe that terrorism doesn`t work, but, I kind of think it does. At least, it works in the respect that if somebody wants to blow themselves and lots of innocent people up, that person can do it almost anywhere they choose to. As far as terrorism achieving specific goals - that`s more of a mixed bag. The train bombings in Spain worked real swell in getting Spanish troops out of Iraq. The train bombings in England, though, Idon`t think that`s going to. The English are more PO`d than scared and I think they`ll stick it out.

The best example of terrorism not working, of course, is the nine-eleven attacks. Osama Bin Laden by all accounts wanted to get the US out of the Mid-East and most specifically out of Saudi Arabia and, boy, did that not work out the way he wanted. There are moreUS troops in the Mid-East than ever, more than he could have dreamed of, and his buddies in the Taliban are out in the hills with their wonderful Islamic government a memory.

Also, of course, these terrorists attacks have Palestinian rights as a cause, but again I think it`s shooting themselves in the foot because all the terrorist violence in Israel brought about the election of hardliner Ariel Sharon, and he was the worst news they could have hoped for. He started building fences wherever he felt like, shrinking their promised state, drawing the borders exactly where he thought they should be. This was after he sent in troops to occupy their territories.

Nice guy, hey? But they gave him the pretext that he needed to behave like the barbarian that he is. So, they deserve a bit of the blame for that.

The Palistinians will get a state, of sorts. Eventually. But it won`t make them happy and that`s not what they want, anyways. What they really want and have always wanted was for all the jews to disappear from the face of the Earth. And Brother that`s not going to happen.

Now, when nine-eleven first happened comedian Bill Maher made the statement that what the hijackers had done was courageous and they were not the cowards that every one said they were. Bill Maher promptly got fired from his job as host of the show `Politically Incorrect`. But his point was technically what these men did, sacrificing their livesfor a cause they believed was greater than themselves, qualified as courageous.

He`s wrong, of course, but I can`t definitively in my own mind explain why. Do I think what they did is cowardly because of the target - innocent people working in New York? For example, if someone thought that bunnies were evil and blew themselves up while killing bunnies would it be courageous? Yes, that`s the silliest example I can think of, but the bunny killer is sacrificing his life. Isn`t he? And many people think God or Allah is a fictitious creation like evil bunnies. (Not me. Some people). So, is there an equivelancy of sorts?

OR are these terrorists cowardly as an organization? The organization is hiding in the bushes and as an organization is not putting itself at risk. The leaders certainly are hiding out and not putting themselves at too much risk. Osama Bin Laden sure hasn`t been putting his money where his mouth is by strapping on a bomb and marching into the Whitehouse, has he? He`s been hiding his hairy butt out in the mountains of Pakistan getting fat on Baclava and falafel while poor Abdul gets himself blown up for Allah.

And that`s another thing. If you really, really believe that you earn yourself paradise and seventy two virgins for all eternity by doing this, what are you risking? A lot of young men living in the hot slums of Baghdad would look at this as a small price to pay for what they get in return. I did read somewhere that `virgins` was actually a mistranslation for `raisins` and boy, if that turned out to be the case and I were a recently martyred terrorist, I would feel pretty ripped off. Instead of an eternity of hot sex with nubile young maidens I get a box full of dried grapes? Lovely.

I`d considered converting to Islam at one time but just had too many questions about the virgin situation. Like, who chooses? It would be a drag if you got seventy two homely ones till the end of time, wouldn`t it? And are they the same ones all along, or do you rotate them? You`d think that after you finished with one she wouldn`t be a virgin anymore. So you`d have to get fresh ones. And what if you`re married? Is your wife with you forever and what on Earth is she going to say about your new stable of virgins? She might be a little ticked on that one, I would think.

Does she get Her own stable of seventy two virgins? Fair is fair. If you get seventy two I think your wife should, too. Somehow I don`t think itwould be so much of a treat for her, though, to have all of these nervous, gawky teen-age boys with sparse mustaches who last thirty seconds in bed. I imagine she`d want experienced men and, for that matter, what man wouldn`t really prefer experienced women?

Where exactly is Allah getting all of these dead virgins, anyways? I refuseto believe that for every pious Muslim male that goes to paradise thereare going to be seventy two young, dead, pure women who meet the qualifications. Some time there has got to be a shortage. It just goes to figure.

And is this supposed to be paradise for these lucky virgins? They get to spend eternity as the sex slave of a terrorist as their reward for a life of humble deprivation? Oh, please. I think these young women are better served to party their little hearts out, because for them, Muslim Hell can hardly be any worse than Muslim paradise.

Steve Sommers is the author of Breakfast with the Antichrist. Visit his Website at


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