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  Humor stories > Funny stories : Tales of a spectator spectator

Tales of a spectator spectator


Funny stories Rating : 5.00, 2 votes. Reviews : 2 [add review]
 
Watching the fans at a minor-league baseball game is just as fun as watching the
players. From the silent statues to the loud cartoon caricatures, from the self-
contained families and social groups to those who fully participate with the game,
from the normal to the abnormal to the absolutely bizarre, the crowd at the
stadium is a microcosm of the human race .


This world of characters can be categorized into three groups according to their
interest in the game. These three main groups may then be divided into several
subgroups.


The first group is the TBFs, which is short for "True Baseball Fans." These are
mostly individuals who are not part of families or clubs who came to the game
together. TBFs only leave their seats between innings and are, for the most part,
completely focused on the game. They pay little attention to what goes on in the
stands and couldn`t care less for the promotional events. TBFs can be found within
social organizations and families, but they come for one reason and only one
reason: because they enjoy baseball and actually know the players.


Within the TBFs, you find the Statues, who are older men who sit still in their seats
the entire game, uttering only the occasional cheer, boo, or "Call `em, Blue!" They
are old-school fans who could probably tell you about watching Mickey Mantle and
Willie Mays play. Most Statues complain about how commercialized and business-
oriented the game has become, and prefer the minor leagues to the majors. Statues
are as much a fixture at the ballyard as the seventh inning stretch. It would take a
wrecking ball to the stadium or a fire to move them from their seats.


In contrast to the Statues, the rabid Hecklers cannot resist a single opportunity to
hurl insults at players, managers, coaches, and, most often, umpires. There are
only a handful of Hecklers at most games, but there is one who has a reserved seat
in the front row right behind home plate, ideal for giving the home plate ump a
piece of His mind in the rudest manner imaginable. He doesn`t speak very loudly,
but if you`re in His section, you hear His caustic remarks on every missed call. I sat
behind this prototypical Heckler one game when the umpire made several calls
unfavorable to the home team. His mouth ran nonstop, like a one-sided
conversation with no response from the object of verbal abuse. (Umps must be
required not to respond to fans unless their safety is threatened.) Count on
Hecklers at any sporting event, although some youth leagues are cracking down on
fans who don’t behave themselves.


The rare YEBF, or Young Enthusiastic Baseball Fan, is under 30 and appreciates both
the game of baseball and the spectacle of attending the event. I count myself
among this group. We are a little more interested in off-field or promotional events
than Statues, but tend focus ourselves primarily on the sporting event at hand.
Most YEBFs cheer very loudly for the home team when they get a hit or make a good
pitch or defensive play, and boo when appropriate, but tend not to be as insulting
as Hecklers. Most YEBFs will come to a game whenever it`s convenient, some even
have reserved seats or ticket books. Sadly, baseball is rapidly losing fans in my age
range. Who knows what will happen when the Statues pass on...


The final and most abundant subcategory is the MAFIF (Middle-Aged, Fairly
Interested Fan). These mostly range in age from 30 to 50, are usually married and
bring their spouses to the games, and tend to talk with them a fair amount, mostly
about baseball. Some even bring their children (primarily sons) who tend to be less
interested, but probably will become TBFs as they get older. MAFIFs like to just take
in and enjoy the game more than interact with the players and umpires. A MAFIF
might tell a Heckler to quiet down, even though they may quietly agree with the
Heckler’s sentiments. Baseball has a greater percentage of middle-aged fans than
most other sports, but like YEBFs, you can find them at other stadiums and fields.


One interesting and diverse bunch I guarantee you will find at every single minor-
league game are the TEs, “Team Employees.” They are always at the game because
they get paid to be there, and most have a fun time with it. Some, however, like the
ushers, custodians, ticket-takers and those who serve food and drinks at the
concession stands, are not into the game and seem not to have a lot of fun,
including the mobile vendors who must yell “Peanuts, get your peanuts here!”
Ushers, as an example, are more focused on making sure people stay in their seats,
avoid safety risks, and refrain from sitting in the wrong section. But those who have
the most fun at the games work in the pressbox, like the radio commentator, the
newspaper reporters, the sound effects technicians, the PA announcer, and folks
who work in the PR department. These last three groups have the most fun of them
all.(1) The regular PA announcer at my hometown ballpark is the voice, informer,
and chief entertainer of the crowd. He gets to participate in most of the on-field
promotions, along with the PR folks, but he mostly sits in front of the pressbox,
regaling the crowd with His own brand of post-modernist humor, aimed more at the
average adult than at kids or real baseball fans.


The group that forms most of the crowd at the average game is the TWBPSE
(pronounced twa-BIP-see), "Those for Whom Baseball is a Primarily Social
Experience." Three subgroups are Families, SOs, and UKs. TWBPSEs only pay
attention to the game when something big happens or when there is a rally going
on. Otherwise, they talk, eat, drink, and walk around the stadium. Baseball seems
to serve better as pleasant background for a social evening than any other sport, so
for a TWBPSE, minor-league baseball is tailor-made for conversation, unlike sports
ruled by the timeclock that demand constant watchfulness. Baseball rewards close
attention, but forgives occasional diversions.


You’ll find many families at minor-league games because the games are billed as
good family entertainment, which they are. In fact, most families are there more for
the entertainment aspect than for the actual baseball game. There are rare
exceptions, like parents who are TBFs and who try to instill their love of the game in
their kids. But most families find games to be a relatively inexpensive, exciting and
out-of-the-ordinary afternoon or evening of fun that gives their kids a different and
enriching experience of the world. Here`s an example of a conversation you might
hear within a family group wherein the father is a TBF:


Father: Christy, see that man right there with the bat in His hand? He`s
trying to hit the ball with it, hoping to run around and touch all the bases.
Christy (daughter): I WANT ICE CREAM!
Mother: Maybe you should get her some ice cream. And take Josh to the
bathroom while you`re at it.
Father: But, honey, there`s a rally going on here, can`t you take them?
Mother: But I`m busy talking to my friend Flo here.
Father: (resignedly) Oh all right.


You will find members of SOs, or Social Organizations, at most games. SO members
can be coworkers (usually in a company that sponsors the team and has reserved
seats), members of religious groups, youth groups, or nonprofit groups. Most of
these organizations are present because they get discount admission or some
special package that usually includes a pre-game picnic. For SOs, the game is
purely intended to be a time for eating, drinking, and socializing. On Advertiser
Appreciation Nights or other times when certain groups get discounts, you`ll usually
have bigger crowds, but most of the noise they make is just in talking amongst
themselves. They may react when something big happens on the field, but the
game mostly provides a nice backdrop for their conversation. Here`s a sample
conversation within a business group:


Sam: What do you think about our stock options at this point?
Chris: I don`t know, Sam, the market`s a little iffy. (CRACK) Oh, look at that
ball go.
Sam: Yeah, but none of these guys will ever make it to the big leagues.
Anyway, what are you going to tell the boss at lunch on Monday?


There are two subgroups within SOs. First are the TFBMs, "Thanks For Bringing Me,"
who come with their organization and really enjoy the experience of minor league
baseball, but are not motivated enough to go on their own. They are truly happy to
be there and you often hear them lamenting, "Why don`t I do this more often?"
TFBMs are a significant target group for most teams` advertising campaigns. Second
are the DKAS, "Dragged Kicking and Screaming." These are mostly kids or adults
who may enjoy themselves, but wouldn`t be there in a million years if it was left up
to them. They are unlikely to come back unless dragged again with their group.


The final group makes up the minority of TWBPSE. The Uninterested Kids, or UKs,
consists of 7 to 16-year-olds who view the stadium simply as a cool place to hang
out, eat junk food, drink soda and meet other kids. UKs may or may not be there
with their families. They may be there with a youth group, but they often choose
not to sit with them the entire game. Mostly, they walk around the stadium in small
groups or stand in the aisles in the main concourse or between the stands and field
and chat about all manner of things, never baseball. Some UKs may stand and wait
for foul balls but not be interested in the game unless a ball comes their way.
Going to get food between innings can sometimes be an adventure, having to wind
your way around groups of UKs standing around and chatting.


If you want to see for yourself just what I mean, you can go to your local minor-
league stadium. Any event that is entertaining to watch and be a part of but can
also be followed by more dedicated people will usually feature this kind of spectator
breakdown. Scope out the social scene next time you`re at a sporting event.
People-watching is just as fun as watching the game, and you may actually find
yourself enjoying both.


Malcolm M. Kenton is a sophomore and full-time student at Guilford College in
Greensboro, North Carolina, who is majoring in Environmental Studies and Political
Science. When he is not at a Greensboro Grasshoppers` game, he enjoys advocating
animal protection and environmental causes, politics, computers, and reading and
writing. He was the editor of His high-school newspaper and has had op-ed articles
published in the Greensboro News & Record.

 


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