Bert and Ernie: The Shithead Chronicles

Ernie walked into the bar, found Bert ( not that it was hard to find him; he alway knew where "Shithead" was ) and gave him a really big slap on the back.

"HEY BERT!!!!" yelled Ernie into Bert's ear.

Bert lifted his face out of his beer glass and looked at his former Sesame Street co-worker in the eye. Bert was so pissed off that he didn't say anything. Anyone who knew Bert on the street ( and not just on Sesame Street ) knew that the one thing you NEVER EVER EVER do to him is was slap him really hard on the back and/or yell in his ear as doing so could cost your life. Bert's lips started to quiver and tears started to well up in his eyes out of anger.

And then he snapped...

Erie ended up with entire chunks of hair ripped out of his skull, a black eye and a few missing teeth. The little guy with the big orange head and the big red nose had learned his lesson. Well, not really. Ernie never really learned anything, which is why he was always getting his head kicked in.

"O.k. Ernie, now that you've pissed me off, what the fuck do you want?" grumbled Bert.

"Well for starters, you can bloody well apologize! You nearly just killed me, again..." replied Ernie.

Bert had that look on his face, like 'are you fucking kidding me, why are you telling me this?', and responded with a long, drawn out "FUUUCK YOOOOU!"

"Bert, I got the shit on something really fucking serious! Someone wants to move in on our turf and take our business! And I heard it's the 'Tickle Me' guy, Elmo. He plans to take over by undercutting, selling what we sell and providing the business we provide for half the price!"

"NOOOOOOOOO!" yelled Bert as he slammed his fist on the table. In fact, he smashed his fist so hard that he actually left a slight dent in the mahogany counter top. This wasn't just anger, it was an expression of deeply rooted rage that had been eating away Bert since Sesame Street went into Off-network syndication.

Ernie already knew what was going to happen. Bert was going to 'take care of things' with his Barrett M82 Recoil-Operarted, Rotator-Bolt sniper rifle. He would wait at the top of a rooftop or inside an apartment window, as motionless as a stone and with the patience of a predator stalking its prey. When the target was in sight, Bert would pull the trigger, then disappear, with no remorse and no reflection. Bert only ever carried one bullet in his rifle, that's all he ever needed. Not only was Bert an expert at counting from one to ten, and at singing the alphabet, he was also a world-class marksman ( the rumor on the street was that Bert could pop someone's melon, with a moving target in a strong wind, from nine hundred yards! ).

Bert and Ernie walked out of the bar and down the street ( well, Bert was sort of walking, more like staggering ). As they discussed more of their plan to take out Elmo, Earnie giggled in excitement and pumped his fist a few times in the air. This really pissed of Bert, and so grabbed Ernie by the scuff of his neck and slammed him against the wall, pushing as hard as he could.

"For shit sakes man, don't you get it? Don't you fucking get it??" Screamed Bert "You think that this is all a game? You have no right to laugh! Don't you see the whole fucking picture?? I don't know about you, but my life has gone to shit, TOTAL FUCKING SHIT, since Sesame Street left us behind and went into syndication...Rerun after rerun after rerun after rerun, AHHHHHH!!"

Ernie stopped laughing, his eyes swelled up and a tear ran down his cheek...

"Things were different back then!" continued Bert. "I was happy. YOU were happy. Counting songs like 'One-two-three-four-five-six-seven-eight-nine-ten-eleven-twelve...' and 'One of these things is not like the other...". Our lives meant something! We made people happy. And now what do we have?? NOTHING!! JUST SHIT, SHIT, SHIT AND MORE SHIT!! I'M UP TO MY EYEBALLS IN SHIT!! So much for the counting songs, now all we have is our fucking crimial records; assult with a deadly weapon, illegal gambling, loansharking, criminal possession of stolen property, kidnapping, and on and on and on......"

Bert then dropped to his knees and, with his face in his hands, started balling his eyes out like a four year old. Ernie could see that this was not just anger and loss of hope, but years and years of dispair and rage suddenly coming to the surface, spewing out like a volcano that had been dormant for eons.

"Sorry about that Ernie" said Bert. "Now lets go take out that bastard Elmo...."

The next night, Bert was on rooftop of a five story apartment building with his sniper rifle and Earnie at his side. Bert had eyes like an eagle, and waited patiently in the prone position for Elmo to appear.

"You should see Elmo any minute now. He's usually out around here at this time" informed Earnie.

"That's great. Now keep quiet and I'll pop his head wide open when I have him in my scope."

But Ernie could never keep quiet. After about a minute Ernie started annoying the hell out of Bert with his questions.

"Hey Bert, do you miss Big Bird? I always wondered what happened to Big Bird. And the Cookie Monster. What happened to the Cookie monster. I miss Big Bird and the Cookie Monster."

"Shhhhh!! Be quiet Ernie. I'm trying to concentrate."

Ernie was quiet for about nine seconds, then....

"SUNNY DAYS, SWEEPING THE CLOUDS AWAY....."

"Ernie, SHUT THE FUCK UP!!!! Christ almighty, I'm trying to take out Elmo and you're giving away our position with your stupid songs".

When Bert looked back into his scope, Elmo was in the crosshairs. Without hesitation Bert pulled the trigger. Everyone on the ground scattered in all directions and screamed, except for Elmo, whose lifeless body lied motionless on the sidewalk, arms and legs stretched out, and a line of blood running from his head.

Bert stood up, as with Ernie, with his rifle held high in the air as a sign of victory. From that day on, no one ever moved in on their territory or tried to undercut their business.........

Rating : 5.62, 16 votes. Reviews : 8 [add review]

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