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  Humor stories > Funny stories : The Trial

The Trial

Funny stories Rating : 4.33, 6 votes. Reviews : 0 [add review]
The Trial

It was family reunion time for the humans and they brought along all of their pets. To celebrate his birthday, the humans built a large ginger bread statue of Benjamin Franklin. The builders were a happy, cheerful group as they went about their work. They gave Franklin all of his wrinkles and bulges including an expanded waist line that was accentuated by a tight rumpled vest. Wire rim glasses rested on the tip of his nose and he was dressed in classy knickers. His hair flowed to his shoulders from the crest of his bald dome. Knobby knees helped draw attention to his the gold banded garters wrapped below.

Ben’s hair was made of pulled white taffy and his jacket of ginger bread was trimmed in butter cream frosting with a waist coat of glittering, golden sugar snugged together with buttons of marzipan. The knickers were dark fudge and his stockings were made of long silky spun cotton candy. He wore shoes of black licorice with golden buckles of butterscotch. The statue was set on a dais of cinnamon and spices with colorful gum drop flowers and green coconut grass. It was a marvelous statue to behold! It not only pleased the builders but also many of the animals that were in the household at that time.

Early one morning when the humans were still asleep, the animals were all up and about. It was an ideal time for them to visit without being disturbed by the often irritating masters and mistresses. Suddenly Beverly, the comfortably, rotund lap cat shrieked, “What’s happened to old Ben?” The rest of the animals rushed to her side. They were staggered by what they saw. Franklin was missing one of his shoes, and his knees were bashed in. All of his buttons were missing and much of his taffy hair had either been chewed or pulled to his thighs. White frosting caked his glasses. He appeared to be have been caught in a blizzard. His back side contained a huge swath as though someone had run into him with a giant lawnmower. Gum drops were scattered everywhere and the coconut grass was trampled.

“Now we’re goners” shouted Alistair the coal black, sturdily built cat who always made the other pets feel guilty when he gave them his unflinching stare. “The humanoid’s will nail us to the wall for this caper”. “That’s not fair!”, cried Ruby the Newfoundland, as she slobbered on the floor. Only the guilty parties should have to pay”.

“I know who did it” said Sophie the tortoise. “It‘s Gloria and her scraggly boy friend, Lester. Ever since she took it on the lam with him, she’s been reeking with sleaze”. Gloria was a kitty who went to see the world. When she returned the other pets scolded her for behavior they thought unbecoming a house cat. Natalie the hedge hog said to Gloria, “I simply can’t believe you’d sacrifice your morals in such an atrocious manner. Shame on you!” Beverly dismissed her by replying, “Every cat’s got to jive honey bun, it’s genetic”.

Many of the other animals agreed that Gloria had to be the guilty party. “Tie her to old Ben and let the humans find her” shouted Trygve the pompous tuxedo cat who everyone tried to shun. “Look”, said Esteban the bearded dragon, “You simply can’t accuse her without evidence. Do you see any frosting on her? Do you see her foot prints on old Ben? Do you see her teeth marks in the taffy? You have nothing to go on. If you have to accuse her, at least give her a trial”. The other pets liked and respected the kind Esteban so they agreed to a trial. It was curious that no pet displayed any evidence of animal chicanery.

“I’ll be the DA” said Alistair with authority, Trygve’s the judge, Ruby’s the bailiff and Clark’s the defense attorney”. Now, Clark was a nice, cuddly rabbit who no one saw as a “Perry Mason”. “This show’ll be over long before sun rise”, Alistair whispered to Trygve with a mischievous grin. Trygve winked and snickered with a nod. The group picked five magpies as the jury. Esteban insisted that no one in the family would give Gloria a fair verdict so the outsiders were hired.

The magpies agreed to take bowls of cheerios as payment with a bonus of peanut butter balls if they displayed good behavior in the jury box. Trygve warned Bertha the lead magpie, “I expect you to keep your feather dusters in line. That means no chatter boxing or cackling during these proceedings!” Bertha, with her feathers ruffled, replied indignantly, “I’ll have you know we are birds of discretion, great fluffed muff!”

Alistair brought in a parade of prosecution witnesses all of whom depicted Gloria as a helpless, wayward sugar addict. Some even implicated her boy friend, Lester. Frisker, a small down and out terrier constantly chased his tail as he testified, “Well ya see guvner, it was like this…. I seen them two on top of a gum ball machine down at the mall the other day and they was tryin’ to get the lid off the top. When they couldn’t get it done, the lady stuck her tongue in the candy chute, she did, and she got her whiskers caught up in the latch. Why you shoulda heard the commotion!. It took three vets to get her loose it did, and she was wild!”

Wilford, the rumpled, portly one eyed owl described how Gloria and Lester blew giant bubble gum bubbles at a butterfly rally. “It was disastrously catastrophic and absolutely hideous to see Monarchs, Palamedes and Shallow Tails crash head on in mid air trying to avoid those obnoxious pink balloons”, he said with an air of disdain.

“No questions your honor”, said Clark after each witness had finished. “What are you doing!” whispered Esteban. “Why aren’t you challenging these disreputable people?” Clark said nothing but crossed his ears and stared at the floor.

When Clark’s turn came to defend Gloria, he simply put her on the stand as his only witness and he said to the jury, ”Look, no cavities”. Alistair, in cross examining her, asked her where she was the night before. “I don’t recall, I’m too much in love”, she drawled. She gave Lester, who was sprawled face down, and sound asleep on the coffee table, a sultry longing glance.

“Bailiff, sequester the jury!” ordered Trygve. Ruby replied, “Uh what does sequester mean your honor?” “It means ,Droolster, lock the pigeons in the closet till they come up with a verdict”, said an irritated Alistair.

Trygve summarized by saying that if Gloria was found guilty, she’d be made to lie at the remaining foot of old Ben so the humans could draw their own conclusions. If she were found innocent, the proceedings would start over with a new search for the guilty party. With that remark the audience groaned.

As Ruby turned to lead the jury to the closet, an impatient Bertha squawked ,”Guilty”.
“You can forget the peanut butter balls”, Trygve yelled at her.

Suddenly Tanner, a hefty but intellectual feline recluse, screamed, “Look, Ruby’s chewing snuff!”.

“Snuff?” cried Trygve, “Out with it……… no snuff in this court room!” Ruby tried desperately to swallow the large obstruction in her cheek, but to no avail. Finally Alistair slapped her on the back and out flew a sloppy wad! The audience of animals gasped when they saw it was old Ben’s missing foot.

Ruby broke down and tearfully admitted she was the guilty culprit who had decimated old Ben but then she pointed a paw at Clark and cried, “HE MADE ME DO IT! He threatened to tell the whole world my terrible secret. He found out I’m not a Newfoundland but a St Bernard with a dye job! I always dreamed of being a Newfoundland”, she wailed.

“YOUR’E NOT A NEWFOUNDLAND?” cried the animals in disbelief. “She’s got to be a blond”, said Frisker with a twinkle in his eye. “Naw, she’s a brunette”, replied Wilford.

Ruby tearfully went on, “Clark told me the rabbit world despises Benjamin Franklin. He told me Franklin infuriated the rabbits when he printed daily recipes of rabbit stew in his ‘Poor Richard’s’ almanacs. When the humans brazenly constructed a statue of the monster, Clark went bonkers.”

The animals then turned to Clark who said quietly with his cheeks puffed and his nose to the floor, “Nonsense!”

Then bedlam broke out in the room! Gloria sat on Alistair as he tried to duke it out with Lester. The magpies flung their cheerios at Trygve claiming they were terrible because they weren’t sugar frosted and they began chanting, “PEANUT BUTTER BALLS, NOW!, PEANUT BUTTER BALLS, NOW! Many animals defended Ruby by shouting “FREE POOR RUBY, CLARK’S A CAD!” Wilford hooted with devilish chuckles as he sat on a chandelier nibbling chocolate mousse tort while watching the animal mayhem below.

A human shouted from a bedroom, ‘HOLD IT DOWN OUT THERE, YOU’RE NOT IN A ZOO!”
With that the room went silent……… .. except over in Old Ben’s corner one could hear a curious crunching and munching.

Have we really learned the whole truth from these proceedings?

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