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  Humor stories > Funny stories : What the hell is wrong with my coworkers

What the hell is wrong with my coworkers


Funny stories Rating : 5.35, 20 votes. Reviews : 10 [add review]

Don't get me wrong, I do like my job, I just hate the people I have to deal with, I should say the families I have to deal with. I work at a funeral home. I don't mind the deceased, they don't talk. But come on people, who let you leave the house like that? You are at a funeral home. I'm not saying that everyone has to be dressed in all black anymore, but maybe a nice pair of dress pants and a nice shirt? Is that too much to ask for? Oh, and you are here to pay your respects to the deceased not stuff your face in the lounge then smoke a pack of cigarettes while you are here. First of all, the family should not bring in crock pots full of food, cases of soda pop, and then bitch that we don't have enough room for all of your food you are going to stuff down your fat neck! We are not a banquet facility, we are a funeral home. To those of you who do not know what a trash can is.....let me explain. It is, usually made out of rubber, has a lid on it, and the top opens and closes, usually all you have to do is push the top and it opens so you can throw garbage in to it. Why do I find gum wadded up in my plants in the hallway? There are tissue boxes everywhere, put your gum in the tissue then use one of those trash can things! We have several wicker waste baskets around the funeral home for tissues. Don't throw your frosty, half drank, into the wicker trash cans. THEY LEAK! all over the carpet! I know you are not that IGNORANT! Also, to the moron who threw his coney dog in the wicker trash can, thanks a freaking lot. My cleaning lady loved cleaning onion, chili, and mustard out of the carpet and it smelled! Don't bring your children to the funeral home if you plan on staying long. They get bored. Then they start to run around. They get loud, and I have no problem reprimanding your child as I see fit. You are in my building, I will make you child cry if I want to. Then I will come find you and let you know how rude and ignorant it is not to watch your child, especially at a funeral home. That does not mean, to start yelling at your child in front of everyone. It means, leave! Because one of the things that is exceptionally rude is yelling at your child in front of everyone, and loud enough for everyone to hear. Talk about rude trailer trash! If you have a teenager and they will be coming with you, please check what they are wearing before you leave the house. They can manage to dress appropriately for an hour or so while you are here. That floor length crushed red velvet spaghetti strap dress with black platform shoes....well lets just say it is inappropriate, did she just come from a brothel? Girls pull up your pants, no one wants to see your g-string while you are up at the casket saying good-bye to granpa. You look like a whore!

I am open from 9am-5pm Monday-Saturday. If we have visitation we are open until 9pm. 9pm 9pm 9pm....got it. YOU paid for visitation until 9pm. NOT 10pm, not when you feel like you want to leave...9pm. GOT IT! Also, if I am the only one in the building during normal business hours, my doors are locked. There is a door bell, us it. Then WAIT. When I answer the door, do not get an attitude with me about how the door is locked, there is a sign on the building, right by the door bell that says ring bell for attendant. Your lucky I am even answering the door for you at all. Why are you here if you do not have an appointment anyway? So someone died, and you just thought you would drive right to the funeral home and say..."my grandma died and we need to make arrangements." Well, here is a tip. Make an appointment. Who is to say that there is a funeral director here to help you? Did you stop to think that there are other people on this earth besides you? Of course not, how silly of me. Because you are they only family who ever lost someone, right! Wrong. Maybe we had a funeral service early that morning and the director is with 'another' family...GASP, yes 'another' family, how dare he/she! Maybe the director is with another family, who had an appointment, to make funeral arrangements for their loved one. Or maybe he or she is just out to lunch. So, when I say, well I do not have a director here, you can wait until they get back or I can schedule you an appointment and you can come back, don't give me the stare down like I am suppose to make magic happen and pull a director out of my ass! Oh, and no we do not take payments! You pay the total bill or you don't have a funeral. I love when I hear "what do you mean, but we don't have any money and you are going to make us pay after we just lost our grandfather, father, wife, etc....". YES, we are going to make you pay and if you don't you are not going to be having your funeral here! We are a business just like the one next door or down the street. How do you think we keep our doors open or make any money? If we don't charge people for our services, well then we wouldn't be here! HELLO? For those of you with cell phones, who just can't manage to leave it off or at least on vibrate during a funeral service. YOU SUCK! Turn it off. And if you do have it on, don't freaking answer it while someone is speaking, such as the priest who is up there saying prayers, you asshole. Don't even get up and walk out of the room and answer it. One last thing, when you are outside smoking your 100th cigarette, use the ash tray, not the parking lot, or grass, or throw it in the landscaping. Oh and back to the 9-5pm thing. To the white trash family that showed up at my door at 5pm, when you clearly saw that I was in my coat with my purse in hand and starting my car....thanks a freaking lot! YOU knew I was getting ready to leave. But, you had to insist on "just getting some pricing". I should have told you to come back in the morning. You said you had been to other funeral homes in the area getting pricing, how about using that cell phone that kept ringing and your skank daughter kept answering, why didn't you just use that to call to see how late someone was here? Nope, just thinking of yourself. And, NO, I am not going to give you an exact price and put it down on paper. I told you I would give you an estimate that you could look over. I am not the director, only they director can give you the 'final" price. But you kept insisting that you wanted to know exactly how much it would be for this amount of time, then this amount of time just at church, then what about just 3 hour, etc....you reeked of smoke and your teeth were gross. Your daughter is a whore. I hope you don't come back here, we can live without your business, thats for sure. Then you tell me you have a insurance policy for $2500. But then asked if we could cut you a break. Go fuk yourself! I told you to call back and make an appointment and speak with the owner because he is the one that can cut the prices not me. That wasn't good enough for you, you said that you would really appreciate if I could tell you that he would cut some prices. You are a pain in my ass and it is people like you that will cause me to not want to get up in the morning and come in to work. I know that what I did give you as far as pricing is going to come back and bite me in the ass. You had me so freaking confused, congrats, I am sure that is what you intended to do, I couldn't keep up, I think I even forgot to write down embalming charges. I told you before you left, to CALL if you decided you wanted to use our funeral home, so I could set up an appointment for you with the director to go over the pricing and the days and times, etc. I'm waiting for you to show up at my door today, probably at 5pm again. So be prepared, because if you show up and it is even close to 5pm, I am not answering my door. You will have to call and schedule an appt. just like every other person. Well, I could go on and on......Just a bit of advice for people who will be attending a funeral anytime soon. First, dress appropriately. DO NOT bring in a ton of food, a meat and cheese tray some donuts, maybe a few bottles of water. That's fine. But don't be a pain in the ass and bring in whole meals. Don't throw shit on the floor, use the trash cans. If you are here to pay your respects to the deceased, than do so, don't spend your time in the lounge laughing and smoking, spend it in the chapel with the deceased. You can manage not to smoke a cigarette for an hour while you are here. No liquor, I really don't like picking up your empty bottles out of the couch cushions. DO NOT bring your children if you are going to be a long time. If you do bring them, make sure they are well behaved and you are watching them at all times. Do not yell at them in front of everyone, it's rude and disrespectful, trailer trash like! We supply the coffee to you, do not take the whole can of coffee home with you at the end of the evening. It is ours! If you do bring in food, clean up and take it back with you. It is obvious we do not have a garbage disposal, do not throw your food in the sink! OH! and the best one! The things that you see in the fridge CLEARLY labeled "STAFF ONLY" belong to the staff. You know, it may be my lunch or my bottle of pepsi, etc....you get the idea. Well, don't freaking drink it or eat it. Are you that desperate for something free. You think I just brought in some yogurt and a bottle of ice tea because you were coming in? No you ass it's my lunch! Don't come up front to my office and say "I saw that there was some pop in the fridge that says staff on it, but I have some kids and they are really thirsty can they have some?" NO, your snot nosed kids cannot have anything in there that says STAFF on it. I Cannot believe you ignorant, rude, motherFers! How many times do I go back to the fridge and find my shit gone, if I labeled it "specimen", I'm sure someone would still try it.


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