aFunnyStuff.com archive
Jokes Humor stories Pictures Videos Funny News Games

Home  |  Bookmark us  |  Submit / Upload  |   |  Random stuff  |  RSS feed  |  Funny sites(add)  |  About  |  Terms  |  Privacy  |  Contact us
Funny stuff
» Funny pictures
Funny pics gallery
Forum pics 130
Funny pics mix 6
Funny pictures 2714
Optical illusions 37
» Funny videos
Funny clips gallery
Banned videos 53
Extreme videos 203
Funny animals 101
Funny cartoons 85
Funny cats 74
Funny dogs 85
Funny videos 8996
Home made videos 33
Music videos 69
Parodies 28
Pranks 156
Sexy videos 89
Sport videos 175
Stupid videos 160
Wierd videos 6
» Funny news
Funny news 31635
News funnies 23
» Free Games
Games gallery
Action games 844
Cartoons 62
Casino games 39
Classic arcade 254
Fighting games 81
Free games 1799
Logic games 170
Photo puzzles 593
Racing games 201
RPG games 45
Shooting games 452
Sport games 333
Strategy games 196
» Funny jokes
Adult jokes 1626
Animal jokes 289
Bar jokes 620
Blonde jokes 1361
Bumper stickers 40
Computer jokes 430
Dirty jokes 239
Ethnic jokes 319
Funny Facts 1490
Gay jokes 117
Gender jokes 69
Holiday jokes 168
Humor jokes 819
Insults 4294
Insults jokes 114
Jokers 160
Lawyer jokes 530
Medical jokes 297
One liners 704
Police jokes 6
Politics jokes 304
Redneck jokes 473
Religious jokes 625
Work jokes 75
Yo mama jokes 127
» Humor stories
Funny poems 15
Funny stories 343
» Sounds
Funny audio 338
Sound boards 80
Funny sitesFunny sites
Uber Humor


  Humor stories > Funny stories : The miracle of splenda - its a gas!

The miracle of splenda - its a gas!


Funny stories Rating : 0.00, 0 votes. Reviews : 0 [add review]
 
Has anyone else tried that sugar substitute called "Splenda?"


My wife, Roxanne, read about it, and with me being on a diet for the past few weeks, she decided to buy some for me. I`ve had it twice now, once a couple teaspoons on a bowl of Grapenuts, and another time as the sweetener in some so-called dietetic ice cream.


Let me tell you something, folks, calling the results of eating Splenda "having gas" is like calling the Space Shuttle an airplane. (Well, it would be like calling it an airplane if the damn thing could fly.) It`s like calling a stick of dynamite a "partypopper." (No, wait. In the crowd I party with, dynamite is the partypopper of choice.) OK, fitting comparison escapes me. Let`s get down to the issues.


Although I suspected Splenda the first time it happened, I didn`t have enough empirical data then to blame the artificial sweetener. The second time, however, removed all doubts, as well as most of the wallpaper. I sat on the couch and blew holes in the cushions. I cleaned all the dustbunnies out from under the sofas and beds, in my own house as well as the one next door, and I blasted the doors right off their hinges in the living room.


My home lifted off its foundation, like Dorothy`s in The Wizard of Oz. I could have stuck a fan out the back door and a trumpet up my butt and flown my house to Dallas, playing a rendition of The Lonely Bull that would have made Herb Alpert eat His own heart.


Smoke alarms were going off six houses down, windows rattled the next county over, and strange lights can still be seen in the sky over most of North Arkansas. Roxanne went around turning off all the pilot lights and electrical appliances in the house, for safety reasons. Some guy downtown lit a cigar and His head exploded, burning down the hardware store, the flower shop, and the newspaper office (which is probably why you haven`t read about this before now.)


My bottle of Beano melted in the medicine cabinet like the nuclear core at Chernobyl. Average global temperatures warmed four degrees, the polar ice cap broke into several pieces and floated south, and ocean levels rose three inches. Under some mountain in Montana, lights flashed, alarms sounded, and the nation went to Defcon Three. When paratroopers landed to cordon off and quarantine our little town, the lame excuse they used was "anthrax." We know better, don`t we?


Sugar, my dog, is no longer my best friend -- I no longer have a best friend, or any friends at all, for that matter. I`ll have to have the roof re-shingled, and most of the siding replaced. Everything in the garden is dead, dead, dead.


Now, I`ve eaten beans and I`ve eaten cabbage and I`ve even chased it all down with sour beer, but I`ve never been turned into an actual human wind tunnel like happened with Splenda. So being the curious sort, now I`d like to know: Is it just me and my particular metabolism?


For experimental purposes, I think you all should try it. Eat some Splenda, then we can take a survey. (For that matter, I think you all should try it anyway, survey or not, just so you can brag about the survival experience. I`ll make T-shirts to sell, and later, much later, we will all have a big laugh.)


Meanwhile, looks like I gotta go. There`s some guys at the door flashing Homeland Security credentials.


A sidebar on the Splenda story:


My daughter, Trista, called a few days after our granddaughter, Jaden, had returned to Her home from visiting with us for about a month. She told me that she had been giving the 3-year-old a bath when the little scamp pooted in the tub, blowing bubbles in the bathwater.


She looked up at Her mom with a rascally smile and a twinkle in Her eye, and stated matter-of-factly, "Doggy did that."


"Now where did she get that, Dad?" my daughter demanded to know, "We don`t even have a dog."


Ted Thomnpson is a Freelance Writer living in Harrison, Arkansas. You can see more of His works at http://www.phfft.com

 


Rate this story (settings)

1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10

Rating : 0.00, 0 votes. Reviews : 0 [add review]

Previous story [ Funny stories index ] Next story
Previous story [ humor stories index ] Next story

More : Popular humor stories | Most reviewed humor stories | Top Rated humor stories
Reviews of that story : Reviews : 0, Rating : 0.00, 0 votes.


Post your review!

Name  :
Email   :
Rate    :
Text    : URLs cannot be posted here
           
Cool sites



Random pictures

Random pics
Funny pictures : I want out



Friend Finder



Random Funny stuff

Tomatoes were originally thought to be poisonous... Read this joke...

Random pics
Funny pictures : fortune.jpg

aFunnyStuff.com archive
Use parental controls to protect your kids : Wikipedia | Battle.