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  Jokes > Dirty jokes : Morning wood

Morning wood


Dirty jokes Rating : 5.26, 58 votes. Reviews : 54 [add review]

*** COPIED FROM A NEWSGROUP POSTING ***
(the male author was responding to a woman who accidentally
walked into the men`s restroom):
Please don`t feel bad. It wasn`t you entering the men`s
washroom that caused that guy to pee on the guy next to him.
Hell, we do that all the time. It`s rare for us guys to ever
hit what were aiming for. Sometimes I go into the washroom,
start to pee, and then just start spinning around; just so
I`ll make sure I hit something.
You see, something you ladies should understand by now is
that men`s penises have a mind of their own. A guy can go
into a bathroom stall because all the urinals are being used,
take perfect aim at the toilet, and his penis will still
manage to piss all over the roll of toilet paper, down his
left pant leg, and onto his shoe. I`m telling `ya
those little buggers can`t be trusted.

After being married 28 years my wife has me trained. I`m no
longer allowed to pee like a man - standing up. I am
required to sit down and pee. She has convinced me that this
is a small price to pay. Otherwise if she had gone to the
toilet one more time at night and either sat on a pee soaked
toilet seat, or fell right into the toilet because I forgot
to put the seat down, she was going to kill me in my sleep.
Now another thing us guys don`t usually like to talk about,
but because you and I have become such good friends and you
think I`m a classy guy, I might as well be candid with you
because it`s a real problem, and you ladies need to be
understanding. It`s the dreaded "morning wood".

Most mornings us guys wake up with two things. A tremendous
desire to pee, and a penis so hard you could cut diamonds
with it. Well, no matter how hard you try, you can`t get that
thing to bend, and if it don`t bend you can`t aim, well hell,
if you can`t aim you have no choice but to piss all over the
wallpaper and that damn fuzzy toilet seat cover you women
insist on putting on the toilet.
And by the way, when you use those damn fuzzy toilet seat
covers, the friggin` toilet seat won`t stay up by itself. So
that means we have to use one hand to hold up the toilet seat
and the other hand to try to control ourselves for that
perfect aim.
Now sometimes, when you`re newly married, (and I know the
guys in here will back me up on this) you think you can get
the toilet seat with that damn fuzzy thing to stay up. You
jam it back and compress that fuzzy thing until the seat
stays there. OK, so you start to pee, but then that
compressed fuzzy starts to decompress and without warning
that damn toilet seat comes flying down and tries to whack
off your
weenie.
So us guys will not lift a toilet seat with a fuzzy, it`s
just not safe. I tried to delicately explain this morning
situation to my wife. I told her. .. look, it won`t bend.
She said, "sit down like I told you to do
all the rest of the time." OK. I tried sitting down on the
toilet with "morning wood".
Well it`s is very hard to get it bent under the toilet seat,
and before I could manage it, I had pissed all over the bath
towels hanging on the wall across the room. Now, even if you
are sitting down and you can get it forced down under the
toilet seat, when you start to pee the pee shoots out from
the crack between the bottom of the toilet seat and the top
of the bowl. You piss all over the back of your knees and it
runs down the back of our legs on to that damn matching
fuzzy horseshoe rug you keep putting on the floor in front of
the toilet.
I have found the only effective maneuver to deal with this
morning urinary dilemma is to assume the flying superman
position laying over the toilet seat. This takes a great deal
of practice, perfect balance, and split time precision but
it`s the only sure way to get all the pee in the bowl
during the first morning pee.
So you ladies have to understand that us men are not totally
to blame. We are sensitive to your concerns about hygiene and
bathroom cleanliness, but there are times when things just
get beyond our control.
It`s not our fault, it`s just Mother Nature.
Now, if it was Father Nature,... there wouldn`t have been a
problem!!



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Rating : 5.26, 58 votes. Reviews : 54 [add review]

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